Episode 2, Harlequin, Hair and Hijinks

In keeping with tradition, the one which started with Brad.... two and a half minutes. That’s all it took. Less than three minutes. Ok, so after a reminder of last week, a preview of this week and a peek at Sean in the gym, Chris enters the living room where the date-thirsty girls await. Chris mentions the thought of Sean proposing to one of them, and you can see the drool beginning to pool up in the corner of each mouth in the room. He lays the card down. Ford model Kristy wastes no time hopping up from the couch to pick it up and read it... “Sarah - Are you ready to fall in love today?” She obviously excited, and so am I! 

Guess how Sarah is picked up for her date...you’ll never guess. A helicopter. I know, I know. You’re thinking ‘get out of here!’ But no, it’s true. ABC is using a helicopter for a Bachelor date. Shock. As they take off, the wind takes its toll on the ladies standing outside to wave them off. Although I’m pretty sure I saw Kristy striking a pose as the wind made her feel more in her element than she had all morning. Anything to feel like she’s at a shoot.

The chopper lands on top of a skyscraper. I don’t know if she knew what to expect, but my stomach is in knots. Historically, a skyscraper has meant some sort of stunt. I immediately wonder how ABC could do such a thing. Pick a physical stunt for the date involving the girl with one arm. Seemed cruel at first, but apparently she was flattered that he would treat her like any other two-armed person.

I like to poke fun at the girls and at the dates but for Sarah, I have nothing. This is reminiscent of the days of our sweet Ems. What is there to say? She’s pretty perfect. And her stories of her Dad are heart-warming. The only thing I can even anticipate happening with this is that maybe she becomes too sweet. I admit that I do see the tendencies. For now, he is smitten. She gets the first "official" and unforced kiss of the season. I had high hopes for our eyebrow guy and his kissing. But sadly, he took nothing away from his chat with Arie. Sean, my man. Tilt your head. Cup the nape of her neck. Gently tug on her hair. Do something resembling that of a passionate man instead of the tin man.

Back where the action happens, the group date card arrives... “Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie, Tierra - Let’s capture the romance.”

Tierra is already triple snapping that nobody is gonna get in her way! She is not wanting to go on a group date, and she ain't hidin' it, y'all. What does it mean that I’m already exhausted by this girl? Between the previews and her interview clips, ugh. 

A limo arrives to pick them up for their group date. The mimosas are flowing, the woohooing is abundant, Katie’s hair is fluffier than ever and alas they arrive at a castle-ish building. Might I ask...what THE HECK is Ford model Kristy wearing? The tank top... ok. But the shorts? What happened to the rest of them? Seriously, don’t bend over honey. Oh, and the shoes. Good grief. I think I had some similar to that in about 1996. Models apparently find it difficult to let go of the persona they have in front of the camera. I’m no expert in the field of modeling but it seems like common-sense-101 that you would shed that garb and large windblown hair when the cameras are no longer rolling. Not our friend Kristy. She is in the zone 24/7. She might have been a little too excited about the Harlequin book cover date.

WHAT???? A photo shoot?! Omagaww omagaww. WOOTYWOOT! I can’t believe this. I might pee my pants. Where’s the camera, people? Answer me! Where’s the camera? Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Get me a fan, interns.

Ok now that she got that out of her system, let’s get back to the date.

Makeup and hair brings out the worst in our well-behaved girls. Tierra is appalled that Kristy has extensions because real women go "all-naturrellll" baby (no, she doesn't have a dictionary app), Robyn and her hair dresser discuss garden tools being a dime a dozen, and Kristy's cat calls take on new life...YEEEHOW.

Emotions run high as the director calls for a kiss here and a kiss there. As Kristy quivers with excitement, she can’t focus on anything but waiting for her turn to tear it up, work that camera, make this photo shoot her....well, you know. She’s gonna show the other non-models how it’s done. I guess she wasn’t kidding. She won the book cover deal. However, Sean was pretty much just a prop in her scene. I'm not sure she even knew he was the one she was posing with. But WOOHOO she gets to resign from her gig with Tar-jjjay clothing line.

Post-photo shoot they head out to the pool. This is where the claws start to come out. Lesley Politics steals him away for a chat in a dark room. Awkward conversation, no kiss, alone-time fail. Sean moves on. Lesley doesn’t. Alone-time hijack, more awkward conversation, wierd kiss, blatant tease, another alone-time fail.

Kacie gets her time next. Let’s talk about that dress. No let’s don’t. Just don’t bend over, girlfriend. Let's me, you and Ford Kristy have a sit down concerning wardrobe. Next, Catherine. She’s Vegan but she loves the beef. Okayyyyy. Maybe the meaning got lost in translation but if not, yikes. Selma hasn’t done anything to me personally. However I’m just not feeling her. I’m now down with any woman who tries to throw her voice about 6 octaves higher than it actually is just so she’ll sound cute. No thanks.

Tierra finally gets her time. For the record, she does the voice thing too. Squeaking so she’ll sound cute. Bleck. Anyhoo, she makes the claim that she came there because what she saw of him on Emily’s season blew her away. So she’s claiming she’s there because it’s him? Ok wait. Does anyone else remember the interview where she found out who the Bachelor was?.... AFTER she was already cast? Ok, just clearing that up. See what I did there? She gets the green light from Sean, and an obvious unspoken promise of a rose. Surprise surprise.

The next one-on-one date card arrives. Jackie wants it to be her birthday present but no such luck. “Desiree - Love is priceless.”

The group date is still going on. Katie’s hair continues to grow like a Chia pet in a Rainforest. Reminds me of that Friends episode “The One In Barbados.” Remember that one? Monica’s hair? Good stuff... and totally Katie. It’s taking on a life of its own.

Monica tells him she really needs to get home to her hairdresser so he can tame her mane with cornrows. He quickly offers to walk her to her car. I’m pretty sure no one is really broken up by this one, including myself.

Gotta say... I’m pretty excited Kacie got the rose. Bye bye friend zone. Is Tierra’s excitement comparable to mine? Not so much, as indicated by her desire to resort to physical violence in the form of a knuckle sandwich. Ouch.

It’s finally time for Des to get her time with the man. Sean decides a prank might be fun. Let me go on the record as saying that anyone who is down with a good prank is an ace in my book! Punk’d will always be one of my favorite shows. Plus Ashton Kutcher is pretty easy on the eyes. Practical jokes are the best. So the stage is set. Sean brings Des to this “art show” to look at some "priceless" art which might have been painted by my 6 year old. Off-topic, her red glossy lipstick is stunning on her and her smile is infectious. In case you haven’t noticed, she’s a front-runner of mine. But I digress. Des is seemingly eating up this whole art show thing. She is put in a room alone with a supposed million dollar piece of art. She pretends to be interested in the piece...almost convincingly. After the curator leaves, she takes a stool. The piece of art falls and shatters. Des looked as if she was about to tinkle herself. By the end, I’m not quite sure she hadn’t figured it out but nonetheless she was quite the trouper.

Back to Sean’s pad for a Filet and some veggie sides that looked as if they tasted about like that cowboy hat Lesley M. wore in the photo shoot. Let me guess. She’s a Vegan but she likes the beef. These two seem to have possibly the strongest connection. It’s just natural and easy to watch. After a dip, Sean offers her the rose. She attempts vengeance for Sean's earlier tomfoolery by initially rejecting the rose. It wasn't believable mainly because of the hearts floating around in her eyeballs. Of course she said yes. Of course.

At the cocktail party, the girls anxiously await Sean’s arrival as they sit and suck their champagne. Let’s hope little Lindsay is pacing herself tonight. I admire her choice for a yin-yang dress instead of a wedding gown. Sean got his apology and she resisted the urge to ask for a smoochy-woochy.

Producers will have us believe that Amanda was this sneering, sulking, pouting pile of depression in a yellow dress. However, I smell creative editing. Manufactured drama, maybe. I’m just not buying it. Maybe I’ll be proven wrong next week. I sure hope so. What is the Bachelor without some juicy drama. And btw, WHAT was the deal with the shoulders on that yellow dress of hers? Madonna-ish. Blond Ambition Tour, circa 1990.

I’m not going to linger on the following topic because I feel like the most innocent statements can be twisted into something sinister and inaccurate. However, I can’t go forward without saying that Robyn has a lot of nerve putting “that” out there. Sean apparently doesn’t have a “type” or a “non-type.” Let’s keep this show about what it’s really about... finding love on a reality show. True love that ends shortly after taping lasts forever. Seriously Robyn, just go work on your back flips.

Interjection: Does this show’s budget not allow for the purchase of something other than a butter knife for Chris to use as his champagne glass tinger?

Sean. Ladies. Time to hand out roses. Sarah, Des, Kacie, rest easy and don’t poke yourself with a thorn from the roses you already have. I’ll be back in a jif to let all of you know when there is only one rose left.

In order, here are Sean's leading ladies and their responses to being offered a rose...

Ash with a capital L - Aww Sean, you’re so sweet. Can I organize your closet?

Lindsay -  Thank you Sean. Will you marry me? Or at least kiss me.

Robyn - What is your favorite ice cream flavor? You BEST say chocolate.

Jackie - Thanks for dissing me on my birthday.

Lesley M. - See. I told you I could leave you wanting more.

Selma - I don’t really speak Farsi because I’m actually French and my native language is kissing....and fries.

Catherine - I still love beef. Be scared.

Kristy - Didn’t I look hot in that photo shoot? The other girls are so jealous.

Leslie H. - So I hear you think brown is beautiful. Yeah, baby.

Tierra - Gee Sean, I’m soooo shocked you’re giving me a rose. *wink wink*

Taryn - So does this mean I don’t have to baby cry anymore?

Daniella - No more making out in front of me, young man! Oh, and I’m sorry I never fix the back of my hair.

Amanda - SUCK IT, LADIES. I’m not going anywhere!

Out the door goes Little Orphan Annie and her straightener. Also gone is Diana. This show wasn’t for her. She needed to be home with her brood.

Next week... a thrill ride, a makeout sesh in the sky, a moment atop the Roosevelt Hotel, more Des time, a beach scene already!, even more Des time, more Lindsay time, and lots of Tierra-centered drama. Previews imply Tierra is truly hurt, neck brace and all, due to something the girls do to her. My skepticism is kicking in. I look forward to whatever this is, though!

Until then, lovely Bachelor fans!