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Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Situations About Situations

Week two, friends. I was hoping for a better fantasy bracket week. Sadly, once again I only got 5 out of 7 questions correct. But then again, I don't read Reality What's His Face. And there are many others who don't. So please keep this space free of spoilers if you comment. :)

Before the show, we catch glimpses of the train wreck that is Corinne, and the other catastrophe Liz. We find out that Rachel isn't quite sure what a first impression is. But on the bright side, she's optimistic enough to think she can keep making them.

As the girls wait patiently, sipping mimosas, our handsome host makes his only appearance of the show, carrying the first date card and wearing what could be the only denim shirt a man can pull off. Let's talk about this week. There'll be three dates:  2 group dates and 1 one-on-one date. Thank you, Josephine, for bouncing off of the couch in your partial black top to read the first date card. "Corrine, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine (minus Neil Lane), Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth W., Always a bridesmaid dot dot dot. Love, Nick"

Ooooh, what does this date card mean? Never being a bride? Extra small bottoms from the Garden of Eden? A Pamela Anderson wedding bikini, circa Kid Rock era? A creepy photographer dressed like a flea market Picasso? Yeah yeah, he's kindof a big deal in certain circles. Just not mine.

All of the wedding dresses, all of the themes, all of the skin. All of Corinne's number ones. But, as she so eloquently stated, it's better than being number two...or going number two. Her words, not mine. Although I think she's full of number two. But that's beside the point. Moving on.

Sarah shows us how sexy it is to get married in Vegas. Yes, I still love her. And forgive me but I think I love dolphin girl. I mean she went from having fins and gills to giving birth to Joe Dirt's baby, all in one week. And she did it with a smile on her face. Could someone please give Lacey a trophy for being a good sport? Seriously. And Taylor... well, I'll admit she doesn't quite look so Ronda Rousey in that wedding dress. But I still think she could punch someone. Perhaps it should be the person in charge of Nick's fig leaves. Or Corinne. But why bother because Corinne has a real connection. It's been there from the beginning. It's real. Raquel told her so. Plus, he held her bare bosoms. Like, he held her BOOBS, y'all. Okayyyy? That's real love. Those feelings are only gonna get stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger.

Back at the mansion, Liz has that stupid 9-months-ago grin and is clearly dying to let her dirty little secret out. Maybe she and Corinne can bond over who has the bigger handful later. My money's on Liz, though.

After a long day of drinking, they hit a rooftop for more drinking. And more kissing. Except Raven. Well, and Taylor's eyeballs. Thanks for keepin' it classy, girls. And thanks for refraining from mayyyyybeeee letting a nip hang out during conversation. So after some group discussion and reflection, the girls decide that Corinne is too aggressive and disrespectful. After some gagging and eye rolling, I concur. And I'm glad I got to witness this conversation:

Corinne: Sorry, no hard feelings. Just had a situation we're in.
Taylor: MmmHmm. (Bless your heart knee tap)
Corinne: Do you have a problem with any thith? Bartender, bring me another double!
Taylor: I don't know what you're talking about. Do you mean when you came in...
Corinne: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bartender, where's that shot? And have I told you about my daddy issues?
Taylor: I'm very happy with my time. Did you smoke Nick's banana hammock leaves?
Corinne: Good. Good. And then you re-came-in to reinterrupt?
Taylor: Those aren't real words. And I'm happy with my time.
Corinne: No. Good. Ok. Good. Ok. As long as there'zhhh no situation about the situation in the situation we're gooood. Right now my hair won't even stay tucked behind my ears so there's a whole other situation and another situation. Anyway, we're ok.
Taylor: I thiiiiink I'm ok. But I think you need to go suckle at the teet of your nanny and re-evaluate your life.
Corinne: Are you ssssure you're ok because you seem a littttlelell hesitantnt about being ok, and why aren't you saying more words. Sorry if I spit on you.
Taylor: I'm ok. What is happening right now?
Corinne: Ok good. Great. Good. Great. It's gonna get weird around here. Girls, I mean it. It's gonna be uncomfortable. But you just have to accept we're all here for onnnnne reason. To watch me throw myself at Neil, I mean Nate, I mean Nick. Good. Yeah. That's what I meant. I'm hammered. But it's all good. It's great. The situation is great about the situation. Bartenderrrr!
Michelle: Braid your ratty extensions, put your nips away and zip it before you lose what little dignity you have left.

If I were a hashtagger, I'd probably hashtag the words classless and trashy.

I want to shove the thorns from that date rose underneath the toenails of whatever producer made Nick give it to drunk nanny girl. Maybe they just wanted to hear her say "absoluly."

How the day began:




How I picture the night ending:




Solo date card time. Danielle M.'s relationship is about to take off. And Liz is really happy for her. Really. She is. Danielle gets the cliche Bachelor date transportation. Redundant. But you guys. That yacht. That hot tub. That cheese. It's all just so perfect. After some good dinner, good wine, good conversation, a few tears (ok, maybe they were mine) and a ferris wheel ride on the pier, she goes home with the rose. I approve.

Back at the house, Liz corners Christen and exposes her scandalous romp with our boy Nick. You know the one. It was nine months ago, incase you missed that. Three wardrobe changes, six hairstyles and 127 different camera angles later, Christen is still mindlessly staring into Liz's eyes thinking about her next outfit while Liz continues to babble on about the one night stand NINE. MONTHS. AGO. The only person that needs to hear that story is Corinne.

Group date number two: "Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina, Liz, We need to talk dot dot dot"
Liz: Yeah we do. We gotta talk. Have you been to the health department lately? You probably should.

As the girls prepare for their date, Kristina's slightly Russian accent fades in and out. Josephine left most of her top at home but at least Astrid isn't afraid to fondle her but-tocks. You'd think that would've been the most awkward moment of the date, but no. Here are a few others.

Michelle's top ten most awkward group date moments:

10. The broken heart museum, or whatever the crap that place was.
9. Kristina picking up the rolling performance ring.
8. The oral (giggles) health breakup
7. Either Jaimi's abrupt outing of herself to Nick or the fact that she used the term "no shame in my game"to reference it
6. The broken rose
5. Nick's faded denim pearl snap
4. Nick's extra small black camo... whatever that was
3. Josephine's slap, and her bad extensions (does she share with Corinne?)
2. Liz's "breakup" that only Christen understood
1. Christen's seizure-like reaction to #2, simultaneously causing her cleavage to spread.

And those are just the moments BEFORE it got weird. Liz grins like Ree Drummond no matter if she's talking or not talking, getting fake dumped or real dumped, crying or not crying, wearing jorts or a hideous romper. The constant grin is just awkward. It's part of the reason I can't watch The Pioneer Woman without politely asking (sometimes out loud) her to rest her face.

And as the most annoying endings go, we are left without a rose ceremony. Whose idea was this? Who do I need to call? Who does Josephine need to slap?

Will the following tough questions be answered next week:

  • Will Corinne get a taste of who's actually irrelevant?
  • Will Jasmine return that bikini to the Build-A-Bear Workshop?
  • Do any of the girls own bikini bottoms that don't require a blur box?
  • Is he looking for a wife, or... well... what Vanessa said?

We will absoluly get our answers.

Until next week, lovely readers. And happy birthday, dolphin knockers.


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