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Wednesday, January 25, 2017

I. HEART. RAVEN.

Two weeks in a row. Twice now I've procrastinated on my blog. I will move mountains to see that I don't make you wait like this again! But in all fairness, Michael Jordan procrastinated. Abraham Lincoln procrastinated. So why can't I procrastinate?

The drama continues, starting right now. Our host Chris Harrison amps us all up for what is to come after the whole bounce house episode. It was gross. Just gross.

Vanessa is ready to give the rose back. She is fed up with the little "business woman" from Miami. And so are the other girls. And so am I. Everyone is also disgusted by the "riding" incident, as Vanessa so eloquently put it, in the birthday party bounce house. And Jasmine is still obsessing over where Corinne is. Honey. You really don't know? She's napping. On a totally unrelated side topic, toddlers have to have plenty of sleep for proper brain development.

Sarah and Taylor aren't afraid to wake her from her slumber and tell her how she's coming off to the rest of the girls. Corinne was really receptive to constructive criticism and they gained a lot of ground. And by that I mean, why did they waste their time.

The girls re-styled their pool hair for the rose ceremony and Corinne fake laughed, ate a rose and desperately scratched at her eye boogers as they waited.




Roses go to:

Raven - Yeah girl
Taylor - It's about to get real
Whitney - Who?
Kristina
Jasmine
Alexis
Astrid
Danielle M. - There's probably only room for one at this point
Jaimi
Josephine
Sarah
Corinne

Time to say goodbye to Christen and Brittany. Christen just really wanted this to be it. Brittany. Cute, tiny little Brittany thinks she's never gonna find love. Oh, sweetie, you're about to have to change your number. Every man in America saw your tight bootay in those fig leaves.

And they're off. Time to travel. First stop: Waukesha, Wisconsin. Home of Nick Viall. Our Bachelor sits with his parents and talks and cries (again) over frappuccino in nondescript coffee cups. Dad tells him enough is enough with reality TV. After an awkward giggle at dad's lame joke, it's time for mister mushy pants to run to the park, pick a date, and paint the town red. Or with this group, paint the town denim.

Danielle L. gets chosen for the first one-on-one date. Nick pulls through for my fantasy bracket and tells of his $12 jump in the unnamed not-so-clean river. He explains about his romps in the library. I presume they were in the paleontology corner reading Ross Geller's doctoral dissertation.



And as if that weren't charming enough, he takes his date to the local sweet shop to buy her some creepy cookies made in his likeness (sortof). Then Danielle makes a Jesus cookie and Nick makes a Chris Harrison cookie. What happened after that, I shall not relive (monkey covering its eyes emoji - and I don't mean the googly eyes Nick made at the ex during the awkward encounter).

I'm really glad Nick clarified that he didn't take her to the "exact spot" because, in his words, "that would be weird." Yeah, whew. Glad it didn't get weird or anything. Talking about past grassy field encounters is never awkward.

But he recovered with a quaint little bar and some QT. The pleather couch, its bullets, and one plunging neckline were enough for my girl Danielle to earn a rose. They then head over to a concert from a dude I kinda sorta know. It was romantic-ish. Dancing in front of a group of people, half of which may or may not be there to see them. But fun, nonetheless.

Date card:  "Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, omg it's me, Corinne - say cheese." Dang it. My bracket.

The group lands on a dairy farm. Ok, I'm no genius but already this seems like the date that might break some of them. Some girls just can't handle the aroma of cow piles. For instance, Corinne. She'd rather be in a spa with Raquel while being fed a chicken taco. While she shows Nick a taco of a different hue.

But the other girls are seemingly becoming one with nature. Cow nature, that is. Rachel may not be feeling it, but Josephine brought her best Tori Spelling (BH 90210 days) vibe and is going with it. Corinne wishes Raquel was there to fondle the udders for her. I would like to have dinner with Raquel, feed her a couple of margaritas and see what she really thinks about the girl she nannies for. Jaimi doesn't need Raquel, though. She knows exactly what to do with those teets.

You might wanna screenshot this next statement because it'll most likely never come out of my mouth again. The poop scooping, I agree with Corinne. Nick! Why? Just WHY? I'm sorry, call me princess if you must, but no. Just h-e-double-hockey-sticks NO. I'm OUT on the poop scooping. Unless you want to see me vomit. And my closest pals could tell you that it would most definitely happen.

The girls finally get to trade in the "poopy" for a less smelly scene. And Corinne is finally free of her hand... wait for it... situation. Someone please enhance her vocabulary. Make her say a big word and use it in a sentence, please. And I must go on record and say that she is not immature. I repeat, she is NOT immature. I mean do you call THIS immature?



video


Well? Is it? What do you think, Chris Harrison?




Sarah takes one for the team and quizzes Corinne about the tough stuff. 

Sarah: Do you think you're genuinely ready to marry a 36 year old man? I know you'll say I do but I wanna hear from you why you think that because right now I don't see that. I see a purple bouncy pink house and I don't see you meeting his maturity level. And I've tried to tell you, "we're gonna stay up this rose ceremony, we're not gonna go to sleep..." And I would love to hear from you.
Corinne: I know that you were really ticked about my nappy nap. I didn't mean to offend anyone by my situation. I'M SORRY. FOR SLEEPING. GUYS. I need my Zees.
Sarah: (eye roll)
Michelle: Shut your face hole.
Corinne: C'mon. MJ took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. Chuck E. Cheese takes naps. Peel back my corn layers and see how luxurious my pellets are. I'm a juicy corn on the cob. Nick needs corn in his life.
Sarah: Your mom takes naps.
Michelle: Your face takes naps.
Corinne: But yeah, age has nothing to do with it. I'm absolutely ready to go to city hall with Nick and find a jumpstus of the peas. Does that mean black eyed peas? I love Fergie.
Taylor: I don't think she was talking about age, she was talking about maturity.
Corinne: Age like the number sign? That's called a hashtag. GUYS! Like, duh.
Sarah: I just genuinely wanna know. Because I Iiterally stepped through cow bleep to be here.
Corinne: I would step in poopy too but I had a serious situation guys. I literally lost circulation in my fingers and almost had to go to the hospital. So gimme a break. Have sympathy on my hypothetical surgery and my pretend circulation problems. It's a real situation!
Michelle: You just used the word literally wrong.
All the girls: Why is she so dumb.
Corinne: Let's just move on. Nobody gets me. Except Raquel. She knows me. She knows exactly how I like my cheesy pasta and cucumber bites.

Rachel steals Nick away to share some slobbery conversation. The tiny (and slightly) Russian takes her turn quizzing poopy nanny girl. But Corinne wasn't having it because her "very serious medical condition" is just too much right now. She's ready to fight for a fiancĂ©, not a pickle. Those two are the same, so I understand the comparison. Despite acting the victim and playing hard-to-get, and especially having her first adult conversation, she doesn't get the rose. Kristina does. I predict a one-on-one for her next week.

Arkansas' own little country girl gets the final one-one-one in the land of the dairy. "Raven, let's kick it. Nick"

Nick takes her straight to the soccer fields to meet little sister Bella... and the parents! No pressure or anything. Raven is interested to know if he needed a lot of spankings as a child. I'm just gonna leave that right there. Next stop - skating rink. She's either a pro on roller skates or they only showed us one booty buster. Regardless, it was a sweet date. She got her some sugar on the rink. You go girl!

Off to the museum they go. Wowzers, that dress. Raven came to play. And she knows how to use a stiletto on a cheating doctor! Again, you go girl! Kinda hope that doctor gets his junk tangled up in a barbed wire fence. Thankfully he's history and now she has a new roller blade partner for life... or at least for now. I love her. Nick, if you hurt her, I'm gonna kick you right in your skinny jeans!

The ex must cry in his stupid doctor Cheerios when he sees this...




Rose ceremony time at some super dope bonfire situation. Yeah, it's a situation. Guess what, y'all. Corinne learned a new big word - attitudey. She also used it in a sentence.

Danielle steals him first which rubs Taylor the wrong way. But then again, what doesn't? So Taylor gets her revenge by interrupting their conversation after eavesdropping just long enough to make Nick so nervous he may or may not have unraveled his ankle socks. All while Corinne and Josephine scarf down chicken nuggets and discuss how gross Taylor is. Josephine tries to comfort Corinne and gently tells her to chew her food. Back off Josephine, you could never be Raquel.

The feud continues as the two at odds snuggle underneath a blanket by the super dope bonfire. Things were said. Things went over people's heads. Things were explained. Things still went over people's heads. Grammar rules were murdered. Multi-Million dollar companies were brought up by people who don't run them. But helloooo, Corinne used the word literally in its proper sense. So there's that.

If this show doesn't stop ending episodes before the rose ceremony, I'm going to literally stress-eat a bag of powdered donuts.

Next week. Screams? Cat fights? Yoga? Mud masks? ALLIGATORS?? I feel my adrenaline amping up already.

This week they leave us, once again, with the one I assume to be the funniest in the house. Yep, you got it. Birthday boobs, herself. She loves dolphins but is terrified of Nick Cage and aliens. Ha! Haha! Stop it, sister. It just keeps getting better. I wanna hang out.

Until next week, my lovelies!

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