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Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Tell Me Why-ee

It's that time, Bachelor fans! Time for this week's romance, love and other such scandals. Ah yes, we pick up where we left off. The Liz drama. From nine months ago. Yeah, THAT. Nick had an attack of conscience (translation: he got caught) so he came clean with the women. Now the aftermath.

The ladies are all on edge. They discuss amongst each other their take on Nick's roll in the hay. They wonder why they ever rubbed elbows with the one who bumped uglies with their boyfriend. Vanessa anticipates the questions she will ask, as she sips her gin and tonic through a straw. Nick tells the rest of the girls the news, as if they don't already know. He explains that he decided he wants to focus on what's here, and the connections he is making with all of them. (You know... the ones he HASN'T hooked up with) He is an open book. It's show and tell and nobody participated. So he decides to individually question each woman about their feelings on his wedding conquest. Lauren discusses with the girls that she can't handle sloppy seconds, but only if it's before the fantasy suite, then I guess seconds are okay. Corinne decides that she has something different to offer. She is more than just bad blonde extensions. She has, you know, the 'it' factor. Since it's the only thing she knows how to do without Raquel, she strips down to nothing except a trench coat. She gives herself a pep talk in the mirror. She takes her bestie (i.e. rose) and leads Nick outside to show him how creative she can get with aerosol cream in a can. She chickens out on her Katy Perry California Gurls bit and attempts the beginnings of a Varsity Blues bikini but no amount of areola and Reddi-Wip could get him horizontal on the big red pet pillow.

For your viewing pleasure. The 3:20 mark.




After that colossal fail, Corinne cries off her mascara, tries to shake off her buzz and analyzes the repercussions of Nick's whipped cream rejection. She can't take it. She throws in the trench coat and hits the bottom bunk.

Nick enters the parlor dressed in a tie that was most likely left there by Brittney's nana on Ben F.'s season.

Rose recipients:
Astrid
Taylor - still waiting on her to punch Corinne
Whitney
Kristina
Danielle
Rachel
Vanessa
Raven
Jaimi
Dominique - Has she been here the whole time?
Sarah
Alexis - Move *@#-!, get out'tha way
Brittany
Josephine
Jasmine

We say Au Revoir to:
Lauren
Lacey
Haliey... and her bra, Phoebe Buffay style




Another week in the house is upon us. Corinne begins well rested. Dominique sports her Hit Me Baby One More Time socks. Cute little Raven goes with Laura Ingalls hair today. Chris lays the date card down and proceeds walking backward as he says his goodbyes then quickly does a duck and cover before IT happens.

Cue climactic music.

"Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine, Corinne... Everybody!"

Cue libido-rockin' music.

Girls jump out of their skin. Girls scream. Girls hop in place. Girls revert to their middle school selves (or kindergarten, whichever) and I'm pretty sure we witnessed three panic attacks, two seizures and six episodes of incontinence. Backstreet's back alright.

Thank goodness I made some last minute changes to my fantasy pick today! Oh wait, I still missed that one.

Now that they've somewhat contained their hormones long enough to hop in the limo, they arrive at their destination to start practicing to be a backup dancer for the BSB as they prepare for their upcoming stint in sin city. The ladies walk in to see Nick practicing some sweet moves in a tank top.



Nick worries about the wandering eyes of his pack of concubines and is quick to let them know that each member of the aging boy band is happily married. Psst, Nick, I don't think Corinne cares about other women. She also doesn't care about practicing. It's probably that debilitating short term memory. It causes one to become a titbag.

Time to rock your body, everybody, for the iHeart Radio watchers out there. After some rather hard to watch backup dancing, Danielle earns the serenade. She uses her time wisely and lip locks Nick because he is her fire. Her one desire. She wants it that way. Meanwhile, during that uncomfortable slow dance with sweet Danielle, Corinne watches from the shadows as she dream shanks Danielle. Y'all, have pity on poor nanny girl. After all, "this was the worst day IN her life." Say it with me, Raven - bless her heart. The dancer planners made her so nervous she couldn't do the planned dancing. Stupid short term memory. It's one of those situations where there's a situation.

At the cocktail party, Corinne issues an apology for her excessive day drinking and subsequent absence at the last rose ceremony. Oddly enough, she didn't apologize for that dress, but whatevs. At least Corinne made Corinne great again (in third person), even though she's soooo exhaaauuuusssssted. Danielle informs her boyfriend she could totally fall in love with him. Please do, girl. Please do. But also please give him pointers on where to put his hand. Say it with me again, Raven - bless his heart. His hand nervously flapped about until it finally landed somewhere between her shoulder and her occipital bone. In all fairness, he probably got distracted because he overheard Corinne in the other room talking about yet another nip slip. It happens. Especially when Raquel isn't around to apply double-sided tape. Or make her some Kraft mac-n-cheese... wait, I mean cheese pasta.




Date card! "Vanessa... You Make Me Feel Like I'm Floating." Dang it, another bracket question fail.

Nick suits up for his best Maverick impression as he awaits his little French-speaking date. Bonjour. Today they get to do something that, Nick says, is LITERALLY a once in a lifetime opportunity. Zero gravity time, y'all. Grab your yellow socks and your Kaopectate and pull up a chair. Vanessa's hair did some really cool tricks. They had a weird sideways makeup sesh. She blew chunks. They kissed. Yeah, you heard me right. Even with zero gravity puke floating around inside the white bag, he kissed her. On the mouth. Look away, Michelle, just look away. At least she had a couple of sticks of Big Red tucked away in her yellow sock. And thanks to the ralphing, my bracket is officially in the crapper.

Later he takes her to the tallest building in LA. After swilling four too many glasses of scotch, Nick cries some drunk man tears, slurs a couple of words, and gives her the rose she'd forgotten about. He feels lucky. He wants to ask for her number but he's a little gun shy after what happened last time he did that. So he just wipes his tears and hopes she has brushed her teeth by now.

Group date #2. "Rachel, Alexis, Astrid, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, Dominique... I'm done playing the field."

As the girls arrive at the track, they see their boyfriend doing a little cardio in, you guessed it, another tank top. They're all decked out in their most supportive athletic-wear. Except Astrid. Poor jiggly Astrid. Those things required their own zip code during this group date.

Three Olympians arrive and Rachel KNEW who they were. She knew it already! I'm telling you, she knew. The three events in the Nick-athalon are the long jump, the high jump onto Nick's face, and the javelin throw. Dominique should have received at least a couple of points for stamina, as she was able to maintain the same resting you-know-what face the entire day. Three were chosen to participate in the dash for the hot tub as Nick stands beside it waiting in some, let's just say, "unflattering" shorts.



Rachel, dolphin knockers and Astrid race down the track. Astrid blacks her own eyes. Rachel's butterfingers knock the ring off of the table. It was smashed and recovered by jiggles. She kicks her tennies off and plops into the hot tub.

The evening portion of the date begins and Dominique continues battling chronic RBF while stewing in her own pity party. How can someone so beautiful be so insecure. Dolphin wants to make out on Nick's Fathead. Jaimi assures Nick she isn't the weird lesbian. (her words, not mine) Rachel makes out while Dominique lurks in the shadows working up the nerve to curse and gripe at Nick and get herself sent home. Bachelor 101 - Don't complain about time you haven't spent together, find time TO spend together.

Rachel gets the rose. My TV cuts to the Fifty Shades Darker trailer.

As I try to refocus and the girls have their coffee, we're all getting amped up for the cocktail party. But instead, trade the evening gowns for bikinis. Still the same amount of makeup, jewelry and hair product. Just less clothing. I'm waiting on the blur box to follow Jasmine around. Well once they finish in the bouncy house, that is.

Raven informs Nick about Raquel, and about Corinne's lack of spoon-cleaning knowledge. The other girls follow suit. These girls just thought they had a problem with Liz... nanny girl and her power naps and bounce houses are proving to be too much to take. Especially for Vanessa. She asked the tough question that everyone's thinking. I'd repeat it but it makes me blush.

And once again, we're cut off before roses are handed out. Next week, the tension mounts. The girls have had it. Taylor has had it. Corinne reminds everyone she has a multi-million dollar company, which we have yet to know the name of. She'd tell us but her short term memory. Remember? It's that one place that does that thing that makes those doomabobbers.

Josephine sings a sales pitch in the last scene. Birds squawk. Squirrels take their nuts and run. Crazy-eyed cats hide behind boulders. I begin to miss the days of book wieners. Au revoir, readers. Until next time.

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