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Wednesday, January 4, 2017

You're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

First things first - and no I'm not the realist - why would anyone, and I mean ANYONE, wear a costume as a first impression. I've never really bought into the whole using some sort of silly schtick to make a first impression. I mean, you only get one chance at that. Do you really wanna be known for wearing a unicorn head? Or a wedding dress? Or for being the grandma girl? Or the backflip fail girl? Or the baby bump girl? C'mon ladies.

Ok, I feel better and can now move on. Get ready for a season unlike anything ever, and with the most controversial bachelor ever. Thanks, Chris Harrison, for piquing our interest. Because that's not anything we hear every season or anything.

This has been quite a journey with ole Nick. When I see the flashbacks of him on Andi's season, I remember how much I did like him... at least for most of the season anyway. Then seeing Kaitlyn's clip, my hatred for him came screaming back. Not only did he LOOK like a DB back then, he also acted like one. Ah, then came Bachelor in Paradise. The part of the journey that at least somewhat reeled me back in. Ok, I may not have entirely admitted it then, but yeah I grew to like him again. And his new look. The facial hair is working for ya, Nick. And I mean, I guess the muscles are - just okayyyy.

In keeping with tradition, our newest bachelor gets advice from previous ones, sooo it's good to see familiar faces. Nice to see ya, flesh-colored eyebrows. You too, lipless farmer. And oh the joys of another dose of the wonderful Ben. Still mad at'cha for not choosing Jojo but I think she did ok for herself.


This season we have a pretty beautiful crop of women!



I always wonder how they pick who gets an intro package. It's not always the ones I wanna see but nobody asked me soooo.

Rachel from Dallas is pretty and successful and has a nice place and seems sweet. So why can't I get past the forehead. I know, I know. Stop talking like that. But I do think she's pretty and I'm sure she's a good person.

Danielle L., I fell in love with her while I was looking over the pictures and interview questions. And seeing her pretty little nail shop, yep. Confirmation.

Vanessa is a special needs teacher who speaks languages... plural. So it's hard not to at least give her a chance!

Oh Josephine. Sweet little cat-imitating, seal-conversating, honker-having vixen. Let us see what you have to offer.

Raven the Razorback. Representing my home state of Arkansas! I like her sense of style, and now I wanna visit her boutique. I admit, I Googled and Facebooked her and her store last week when I was checking out the contestants. In a small area, forget 6 degrees of separation, it's more like 2 degrees... or less. I love her intro package, but it leaves me with a burning desire to discuss 90s hair and untamed curls. *insert grimace emoji* But go Raven!

Corinne from Miami. She's 24 and has a nanny? Not for a child. For herself. No. Just NO. Please call Raquel a personal assistant. Sounds so much less... err, um, pathetic. She "runs" a multi-million dollar business. My guess is that's code for answers phones and files papers. As it was decided during our watch party, she's probably a trust fund baby.

Alexis the ungraceful, and self-proclaimed, weirdo who is obsessed with dolphins. Bless.

Danielle the neonatal ICU nurse. That alone is enough for brownie points from the aunt of twins born prematurely. Neonatal nurses are such special people. And I absolutely love Nashville. So for now I'm going to overlook the giggle.

Taylor the throat puncher. Ok, I don't know that for sure, but like I said before, she scares me a little. And I'm pretty sure in one sentence she stereotyped two separate demographics of women as racist. Honey, bye.

Liz the baby maker. Ok, well she doesn't MAKE them but she performs the next major part. And remember from my previous post? She picks her nose in the car, and the thing she stated as not wanting to have to do is "kill someone." Plus now we find out she had a one nighter with him 9 months ago? Unless you're about to give birth, I don't care what you did 9 months ago.

Time for limos - where stuff gets real.

Danielle L.
27, Small Business Owner
Los Angeles, CA
Seriously, Danielle. Why must you be so gorgeous. And Nick, her eyes are up here, bro.


Elizabeth
24, Marketing Manager
Dallas, TX
I like her little Texas aaax-eeeyunt. But let's not forget she's annoyed by noises. Seems sweet enough, though. And her dress was perfect until it got down about halfway. Right about where the raccoon got ahold of it and unraveled every inch of lace and thread.


Rachel
31, Attorney
Dallas, TX
She set up fantasy picks before she left? Wonder how much she picked herself for.


Christen
25, Wedding Videographer
Tulsa, OK
Yo. Scarlett O'Hara. Curious George's friend called, his wife needs her dress back. And her hairspray.


Taylor
23, Mental Health Counselor
Seattle, WA
Welllll. Glad I'm not one of her friends right now. Yikes.


Kristina
24, Dental Hygienist
Lexington, KY
I guess they didn't want us to see much of her interview. She was an early pick for me but I'm gonna have to see more than this little clip.


Angela
26, Model
Greenville, SC
Oh yeah, the "model". Wow her dress. Wow. But did she really say she wouldn't be there if it weren't him? Yeah, right. She'd be there if it were Peter Griffin. Stop it, lip gloss. Just stop.


Lauren
30, Law School Graduate
Naples, FL
This is the girl that I found boring. Except for her last name, I mean. But wow she's really pretty and has a great dress. But if I were here, I MIIIIIGHT have left out the "disgusting-slut" name union. Oh well. Different strokes.


Michelle
24, Food Truck Owner
Los Angeles, CA
She's a pretty thing. We'll see what lemonade she has to offer.


Dominique
25, Restaurant Server
Los Angeles, CA
Why do people keep saying "fourth time's a charm"? That's not even a thing!


Ida Marie
23, Sales Manager
Harlingen, TX
I was really hoping to love this girl. And I haven't given up. But I think a trust fall is too much for an introduction. And who stole the bottom 8 inches of her dress? I think I'll rename her Ida Mae. It just sounds better.


Olivia
25, Apparel Sales Representative
Anchorage, AK
I get that she's from Alaska, but we're in LA. Pretty sure we could've left the Eskimo outerwear at home.


Sarah
26, Grade School Teacher
Newport Beach, CA
Ok this is one I want to love. I think she's just so...lots of things. But I'm a little mad at her for her Flo Jo entrance. I like her still, though.


Jasmine G.
29, Pro Basketball Dancer
San Francisco, CA
Umm. He's done this "a million times"? Ouch. And she brought Neil? Yikes.


Hailey
23, Photographer
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
What did she just say? The underwear thing? Never mind. I don't wanna know. Especially since his response was to say he's very excited.


Astrid
26, Plastic Surgery Office Manager
Tamp, FL
Look it's little asteroid. Wait. Why do I keep doing that? ASTRID!  But hey, at least her ladies are real. Thanks for sharing that, little orbiting rock.


Elizabeth, "Liz"
29, Doula
Las Vegas, NV
Oh great. This girl again. Seriously, why did they let easy girl on the show. And it's hilarious he acted like he couldn't place her immediately. Sorry bout'cha, one nighter.


Corinne
24, Business Owner
Miami, FL
Hi my name's Corinne and my nanny is waiting in the limo with another token for later.


Vanessa
29, Special Education Teacher
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Ahhh the dress. A topic of conversation at my watch party. It really just won't stop spinning.


Danielle M.
31, Neonatal Nurse
Nashville, TN
Did she really just finger feed him maple syrup? Careful, Nick, she might have taken lessons from Liz the nose picker.


Raven
25, Fashion Boutique Owner
Hoxie, AR
Our little Arkansas girl. What a great dress! And her hair and makeup? ON. POINT. Sooie, y'all.


Jaimi
28, Chef
New Orleans, LA
Finally! A short dress! But all the talk of balls. Please! Make. It. Stop.


Briana
28, Surgical Unit Nurse
Salt Lake City, UT
Why does she have creepy eyes? Not in a normal facial expression. But that other thing she did. Almost as creepy as Sean's eyebrows.


Susannah
26, Account Manager
San Diego, CA
WHY would you give someone a beard massage the minute you meet him? Or ever for that matter, but who am I to judge. My husband also has a beard. Which I don't particularly feel tempted to massage.


Josephine
24, Registered Nurse
Santa Cruz, CA
We definitely have no shortage of nurses. You know, incase anyone decides to undergo rhinoplasty in the mansion. Or gets a wiener stuck in a book. Hey, it happens.


Brittany
26, Travel Nurse
Santa Monica, CA
Little Brittany. The lover of chocolate and music. Kiiinda wish she'd have left the latex glove in the limo but oh well.


Jasmine B.
25, Flight Attendant
Tacoma, WA
It's Jasmine. You knoww. Like the flower. Get it?


Whitney
25, Pilates Instructor
Chanhassen, MN
What's in her hand? A snot rag? A tater tot? The bite of weiner Nick spit in the bushes when nobody was looking?


Lacey
25, Digital Marketing Manager
Manhattan, NY
A camel? Do my eyes deceive me? And did she say something about a hump? Twice? At least her camel has good toes.


Alexis
23, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
Secaucus, NJ
Whyyyy? Just why? And if you're a dolphin lover, why would wear a shark costume? Oh, it's not a shark, you say? It's a dolphin? Ohhhh no, sweetie, it's dolphinately a shark. I'm gonna pretend she lost a bet. But I AM gonna need her to stop with the dolphin noises.


Whew. That was a tedious 30 introductions. Finally our cutie pie makes his way into the living room. Let me tell ya, Liz just needs to put her starry eyes back in the puma cage. You already had your turn, honey. And one night was enough. So stop. Go on back to Vegas and continue NOT killing people. Also, how does he look across a sea of beauties and keep a straight face with Jaws in the mix?

I think his sit-down with Rachel was sweet, but again, I'm so distracted by... well, you know. He seems to like her, though. So whatever. Next he moves on to banana boobs. Careful, girlfriend, that ballroom dip might make the coconuts fall out. But he's not near as interested in those as he is in the "killer dress" Danielle L. has on. Again, pretty boy, her eyes are up here.

Out comes the first impression rose. Looming as it does. Wait a minute. Who's heart is where? I may never know the answer to that but at least now I know Raquel is waiting in the wings somewhere with tokens to use for... well, whatever his heart desires. He talks to meditation dress Vanessa and finds out she actually WANTED it to be him. Ok, like she'd really say, "dang, I hoped it'd be Luke."

Oh lort. Here comes Corinne. And in a not-so-surprising twist, she put those big ol' lips all over Nick. I'm over her already. Her vibe is wearing me out. Dial it down a notch, Heidi Fleiss.

Awkward moment of the night: Jasmine G. striking out when she tries to take him from Ida Mae. How much has that dancer had to drink. Suck it up buttercup, stop crying.

Meanwhile, Alexis tries to reassure the girls once and for all that she is dolphinately NOT a shark. (Except that she is.) And I'm pretty sure she's taken a few laps around the tequila tank. It's Bachelor 101. Do NOT get drunk on the first night.

And Raven's personality gets cuter and cuter every time it shows her. 

But on to Liz. And the other awkward moment. Oopsie, girlfriend - that convo didn't go as planned, now did it. Thanks, Nick, for calling her out. Seriously. Girl. Bye.

Did Corinne really say she thought a perfect stranger "felt irrelevant"? Alright so you don't know this girl or this bachelor but you think another girl there is irrelevant. Check your ego, trust fund nanny girl. Maybe you're the one who's irrelevant.

First impression rose goes to Rachel. Gotta say, caught me off guard. But hey, she's nice.

Roses go to:

Vanessa - Buy a different dress, please. And don't say you don't like flowers again.

Danielle L. - Will those accept this rose? I mean you! Will YOU accept this rose?

Christen - Somebody hide the hairspray.

Asteroid - I have nothing.

Corinne - Gross. Just gross.

Elizabeth W. - Fix your dress, sweetie.

Jasmine G. - Hmm.

Raven - Go Hogs!

Kristina - STOP. CRYING. She fell down my list!

Danielle M. - Ok good.

Sarah - Yayy.

Just say Josephine - Who nose why he picked her.

Lacey - He likes her camel toes. I mean her camel's toe.

Taylor - Don't hit me.

Alexis - I'm dolphinately ready to see her regular clothes.

Hailey - Ok, will you stop whining already!

Whitney - Need to see some personality soon.

Dominique - Who?

Jaimi - Guess he liked her balls.

Brittany - Excited about getting to know this one. As long as she doesn't ask him to bend over anymore.

Liz - Of course she gets a rose! The producers strike again.

And we say goodbye to:

Olivia - Don't forget your chinchilla.
Angela - Sashay your way on back to the Carolinas.
Lauren - The name thing did her in. But goodness her dress is stunning, even more so in the morning light.
Creepy eyes Briana - Stop crying.
Ida Marie - Guess I better adjust my final four.
Jasmine B. - Was she napping the whole night?
Michelle - Guess it's back to lemons for her.
Susannah - Seriously, where was she all night?

Until next week, lovely readers! Corinne's antics will have me jumping through the TV at her. And va-jeen? Did she just say that? I can't feel my face right now. I'll just leave it right there. And this picture, I give you. A real picture. Taken by me. Of my TV screen. You're welcome.





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