Thigh-land, Episode 4

Harrison greets the fellas bright and early. Same date scenario as last week...a group and 2 one-on-ones. To our surprise, no date card! What? Why? Because we are headed to Thigh-land to hang out with Chow, Alan, and the guys. What city are we headed to? Phuket. Just sayin...

We start off with pitiful pathetic Ashley reminiscing about her time with Bentley. I just want to say, “STOP IT! HE DOESN’T CARE!” Gross.

She sits down with the “Navigator” to plan the dates. I’m wondering if they could have found a navigator who speaks more fluent English. Again, just sayin...

Date card time. Constantine. A fun day at sea is on the agenda. But then..... Mr. Chow’s uncle says the weather is too bad. Well at least that’s what we think he said. Again, the show couldn’t find anyone who speaks English. No boating, so a’shopping they will go. Judging by the things we saw in those shops, I can see why they didn’t come away with an armful of bags. They stop to ask an old man marriage advice. His advice: don’t try to win. Cultural divide. Americans like to win.

They sit at a little sidewalk table sipping weird foreign beer and sweating profusely. Gee, how romantic. Then a foot race down some random alley. Is this date for real? I miss the Bellagio fountains.

I suppose the atmosphere gets a little better when they have their comfy little futon thingy on the beach. She contemplates telling him how strongly she felt for Bentley. Don’t do it, you stupid woman. Who wants to hear that?? Instead they have a peculiar conversation about insecurities. And then an inappropriate conversation about relationship history. Really? On a first date? What’s with these people and their strange conversations. You’re hanging out sipping champaign on the beach by tiki torch light... make out or something! Jeez! But regardless, he gets the rose. And she gets a piggy back ride in the waves. A little hand holding but no kiss. Guess it was his sweaty forehead? Or is his skin THAT oily?

Her interviews...Bentley Bentley Bentley. ENOUGH!

Group date card - Ben F, JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C, Nick, Lucas, William, Ryan. The boys get to go volunteer at an orphanage affected by a tsunami. Painting, construction, manual labor. For the record, I’m ALL ABOUT philanthropic good deeds! I love charitable causes! But in this case, at first I was not sure this was the ideal group date. Seems like a task for a show like Extreme Makeover. But whatever. They all displayed a positive attitude about it. And check out Ben F and his mural painting. Not the most artistic dude int he world, but he pulled major heart strings for me!! Then the kids came out. They saw their bedroom makeovers, they played soccer with the guys and the new nets. All of a sudden, I was like - ok this was the perfect group date!

Afterward, they put away the paint cans, cleaned up, and headed for a poolside retreat. Sweet Ben F pulls her aside. Not digging his shorts, but otherwise I heart him more than ever! He keeps climbing up my heart-o-meter! Ashley, STOP telling these guys what a hard time you had last week. Nobody cares. Seriously. Nobody. Not even your beloved Bentley. Ben leans in for a kiss and for a minute, I felt like I was intruding. Something seemed so intimate about that kiss. Without knowing for sure, I have to assume Ben’s kiss surpassed JP’s famous Bentley-topping kiss. Ryan gets alone time next. He gets real and tells her how beautiful she is. Nice moment. We catch the tail end of what must have been alone time with what’s his name. It ended with a hug. Shock! Then we catch a clip of Lucas telling her she’s down to Earth. Yeah that’s the compliment we all want when being courted. JP takes her to the beach in the rain. Since I see this as a sexy setting, I’m liking this. BUT it takes too long for the fun to begin. Lose the umbrella, kid. Ok, well he did and the director yelled cut as her cover up was slipping off of her shoulder. But then she reaffirms that his kisses are the best. I do like JP, but I was sooo rooting for the Ben F kiss.

Ryan steals her away as she is about to hand out the rose. I’ve liked him from the beginning, but c’mon. Lucas said it best...goober. Why would Ryan do that? Makes him seem obsessive. But he’s still in my top 5, so I’m good with it.

The date rose. When she said Ben F, I literally threw my hands in the air! I really did. At this point, he has edged his way above William. So there ya go, my top 2 - Ben F then William.

Ken gets the one-on-one. Is she expecting to be picked up in a pink corvette? Too bad, it’s a yellow kayak. Haha, this pleases me for whatever reason. He shows up in his bright blue short sleeve aviator button up and white shorts, jogging up the pier barefoot. He says he’s spent time in Phuket (to clarify, it’s pronounced poo-kett) several times, but he was always alone. Climbed mountains and attended a culinary school on a whim. Is he having a hard time finding himself or is he overly metro? Either way, I have disliked him from the beginning for my own personal reasons. On TV, camera angles and lighting coupled with their reactions make it almost seem like a fantasy world. But somehow, kayaking through drippy Asian caves in dirty water doesn’t appeal to me. Caribbean or Fiji, please.

She gets to hear about his meeting a great girl while Al Bundy measured her foot. The relationship lasted a long time. Who cares? On to the most uncomfortable picnic ever. They sit on a tiny beach and eat some weird looking Asian fruit...or something of the sort. By the way, why did ABC not supply him with some floss so that we wouldn’t have to watch him dig out his entire mouth with his tongue? And did he really ask her what type of “intangible quality” she looks for in someone? Oh gosh, Ken. We are all aware you have some mad intelligence, but really? Intangible quality? I think her response should’ve been, “Well Ames, I’m looking for a real dude and not some hoity-toity pretentious douche bag who can’t get through a conversation without pontificating!” Then again, it would probably turn him on. He wants the rose. He says he has white boards all over his apartment with math written all over them. Even though he said it in jest, I can totally sense some truth in that.

They sit down to what should be a romantic dinner, but again we get to watch him pick his veneers with his tongue. Again he’s wearing another aviator shirt...this time navy blue with long sleeves... and white pants. He’s a walking, talking ad for Banana Republic. And his ginormous forehead starts sweating, drawing attention to the fact that he MUST Botox. Come to think of it, his eyebrows barely move and even when they do, his forehead always stays flat. Light bulb. He gets a rose, but no kiss. Red flag!

The cocktail party was set on a really cool patio. She shows up in a stunning sparkly mini and the same earrings she wore on the first episode.

She takes West away to quiz him about his situation. Is he ready to move on? Isn’t he? He assures her he is. I adore him. It feels like she’s grilling him. She’s just insecure and it sortof seems like she’s competing with the memory of his deceased wife. Despicable!

Lucas (and his thin faux hawk) sits and talks with her, hand laying on his crossed legs, looking more feminine than Ashley. Again she wants to talk about ex-wives. OMG Ashley, why? That’s a conversation that normally occurs way into a loving relationship. Not in week 4 of a reality TV show.

Here we go...every season the group (whether girls or guys) picks out one from the bunch to direct their frustration toward. Ok Ryan might be a tad overbearing at times, and I’m sure things happen off camera that we don’t see, but never have I ever gotten the vibe that Ryan is anything but a good guy. However, what’s his face feels it necessary to pull him aside and try to make him feel bad because he’s a happy guy. Blow it off Ryan. You’re here for the girl! But it’s kindof difficult I assume when the producers make Ashley grill him about the same dang thing. So he’s happy. Kudos to him! Leave him alone.

Ting ting ting ting...time for roses, boys and Ash. Harrison takes her for a chat. She brags on Constantine and Ken. She also bragged on the group date. Then Harrison rehashes the whole Bentley drama. Ugggghhhh. Get off of this tired subject already! dot dot dot he’s gone!

Rose recipients:

For the first time, I’m ranking in order of my most favorite to least favorite

Ben F (date rose) - I totally heart you, Mr. winemaker!

William - I still love him!

Ben C - He’s just cool.

Ryan - Nice guy!

JP - It’s the buzzcut she likes...and the earth shaking kisses

Constantine - She likes him, so whatever. I’m indifferent.

Mickey - Still a creeper

Lucas - Yuck

Nick - Oh dear, I give up

Ken/Ames (date rose)

Blake - I still don’t know you

And the ONLY guy not to get a rose:

West - Devastation. WHY? I loathe your decision, Ashley Hebert! I’m glad Bentley jerked you around! You don’t deserve a guy like West!

Next week, it appears both Bens get dates. Someone with pink shorts and socks gets in an ambulance. She ends a date early. William rides and elephant and also drops a bomb. Constantine screws up. She’s STILL hanging on to Bentley. Who does she go see in a hotel room? Bentley? West? Or maybeeeee Brad? After all, I’m convinced Em is finished with him and Chantal has moved on. One more week in Thigh-land!

The closing reel is always funny. This week, I give honorable mention to one of my least favorite dudes. We’ve seen many a shirtless man, not coming close to the glory that was Brad Womack, but wow. For the first time this season, I find a countdown-worthy torso. If you watched the reel playing while credits rolled, you already know. It’s Nick, my friends! If we see it again next week, he might just move up my list. Until next week, friends.