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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Hong Kong, Episode 6

Of course the show kicks off with Bentley Bentley Bentley. Even I, a fan of his cockamamie lines, am tired of him. Well...maybe I’m more tired of the buildup. Please notice my use of the dot dot dot in previous sentence. If I weren’t already a user of those three little dots, I’d be inspired now. Instead of saying no in the future, I might just say, “let’s leave it at the dot dot dot.” Yes that’s it!
Annnnnd roll tape. To my surprise...IT’S HERE! Yayyyy the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Harrison’s knock on the hotel room door we’ve seen previewed for 2 weeks!
Ash: Hi Chris. You’re scaring me! Have the guys flown the coop? Am I left all alone in Hong Kong to drown myself in my Bentley sorrows? Did you find my sense of humor I left in LA? Did Dr. Tata cancel my rack consultation? Oh noooooo now I’ll NEVER wear more than a training bra!!!!
Harrison: CHILLLLLLL woman!! First off, I’m pretty sure Dr. Tata is still waiting back in LA to size you up. Second, what sense of humor? You are the most prudish, boring, insecure........oh wait wait wait. What did I come here for? Oh yeah. Your roadblock. Listen, you have some really stellar dudes here, but since you’re sooooooo hung up on Bentley you get your way. He wants to talk to you.
Ash: Ok great. Great great great! Super great! Are we going to Skype? Should I stuff my trainer with socks or toilet paper? Oh my gosh!
Harrison: You decide that disturbing detail on your town. He’s here in the hotel.
Ash: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! You better not be joking, Chris Harrison. I’ll slap you right out of that baby blue & white checkered button up.
Harrison: Get your hormones in check, weirdo. Why would I joke about something so serious...ish?
Ash: Ok ok ok I believe you. Excuse me while I blow my nose. Are you telling me that he flew halfway around the world for MEEE? Give me a minute to prepare. (Code for: re-think this bra stuffing thing)
Harrison: Well if by MEEE you mean camera time, then yes. He’s here for YOUUU. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Ash: Should I tell him I love him? Should I ask him to marry me? Should I ask him if I can have his baby? Decisions decisions!
Harrison: Here’s his room number. I wrote it down for you so you wouldn’t forget it on the way down the hall. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Ash: Which way to the fantasy suite?
Harrison: Back the truck up, Paris. The show isn’t Sexcapades with Chris Harrison. You’re here to find love. It’s apparent you believe that’s going to happen with Bentley. So good luck with that.
Ash: Did you just snicker?
Harrison: Why no, Ash. Why would I do that? He’s sincere. After all, he DID give you a dot dot dot.
Ash: You’re right. He does love me. Get out, Chris. I gotta brush my teeth! Peace.
More drama buildup, deep thoughts by Ashley Hebert, creepy music, commercial break - dot dot dot
We resume with Ashley walking down the hallway. She approaches his door, stops to take a couple of deep breaths and looks down to see if she has a hint of cleavage there in that semi-sheer top. After all, she needs all the ammo she can get. Knock knock knock. Who is it? Is that you, dot? Ohhhhhh, nowwww it makes sense. Carry on. They hug. They take the couch. She says, “Do you come here often?” She ACTUALLY used a tired cliched line. That just happened. Ashley wiped her drool off the mouth of the man of her dreams. Bentley opens his mouth. Showtime! He starts by letting her know calling wouldn’t have been good enough. He had to fly halfway around the world to see her. Hook. Giddy grins. Fear that her mouthwash is wearing off. She grows brass and tells him she doesn’t deserve the dot dot dot, followed by her theory that fate brought them together. He lets her know that she should know where he’s at, him being home doesn’t look good for them. She brings up talk about periods. Infer what you will. But I do point out she’s looking cranky at this point. Anyhoo, she’s tired of the stupid dot dot dot. She throws in an F-bomb for good measure. She’s setting up a scenario where, in her mind, she appears uninterested, hence causing him to beg to come back on the show. Her game play begins. Backfire. He takes two dots away and hands over the dreaded period. Ash: “So you came all the way here to hand me a period? Why didn’t you just call? Did you want a vacay?” Bentley: “Because I wanted to see you.” (bites his lower lip, stares into her eyes, gives her a come hither smile) She points out it’s hot in there. Although I’m pretty sure the thermostat is set on 69, so how could she be hot? Her finger grazes her lower lip. She brushes back her hair. Bitterness and despair set in. She drops another F-bomb in the interview clip and proclaims she’s DONE with him. She thought she was calling his bluff. Dang, I’m no good at this game, she thinks to herself. After a two week buildup, we get a game set match instead of a dot dot dot. In spite of his attempts to keep her interested, this time we got a hook without the line and sinker.
Now that that’s over, she feels refreshed and liberated. Yeah, now she’s excited about seeing the other guys. Lucas gets a one on one. They will “find good fortune” on the streets of Hong Kong. Yayyyyyy, they’re going to check the sidewalks for pennies. But don’t worry...they’ll only grab the heads up ones.
Ash shows up in another sheer top. Ben F inspired her. He filled his out a little better, though. She also threw some sort of weird French braid across the center of her head, as to distinguish between the business in the front and the party in the back. See where I’m going with this? But she did have on some cute heels, although she should’ve went with a gold strappy wedge. Back to our Texan golfer. They stroll the streets and stumble upon a sidewalk grill. What were they cooking up? Not something tasty like General Tso’s chicken or Mongolian Beef. It was pig intestine. Yumm. Spicy. Chewy. Can I please have a drink of your monkey brain milkshake to help wash this down? Can we go back to Micky D’s?
I try not to dwell too much on the little interview clips unless something is said that sparks my interest. Five minutes into this date, we see a clip of her saying, “I’m having fun with Lucas. I haven’t even thought about Bentley.” Irony much?
She asks him to tell her about the toughest thing he’s ever gone through. Buzz kill. Nonetheless, he starts talking about his divorce and his ex. Now that’s the ticket, Tiger. Give her juicy details of your past relationships! Makes her feel more confident and secure. She’s pathetic like that.
Back at the crib the boys mull over one-on-ones, or where Blake and Ryan are concerned - the lack thereof. The date card arrives and Ben gets the door. (My DVR seemed a little sketchy, so I rewound and watched him answer the door again just to test the waters) Loving the shirt, Benny poo. Group date: Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben, Ames, Blake. JP gets the one-on-one.
Ash tries to play a dirty trick on Lucas and pretend not to be interested, then she asks him to accept the rose. He responds with a yes ma’am. Thank you sweetheart. Did we just have our first kiss and I missed it?! Let’s try again. It’s Lucas’ best first date. I’m sensing a common theme.
The group date begins. Dragon boat racing. Really? The Thai boxing didn’t bring forth enough testosterone? Is this some sort of adventurous reality TV show or a dating show. Refocusing on The Amazing Race, I mean The Bachelorette.
Ben and Constantine rock the red silk kimonos. Ooh la la. Ames disses their attire. Ken...of all yuppies. Anyhoo, these 2 guys have learned a new chant which translates to eat it. Well actually it was idiot, but who’s judging. Baichi baichi. Rock on, team red dragon!
Exchange during rowing...
Ben: We’re getting smoked.
Constantine: Like salmon, bro.
Smiley face.
A proposal is happening on the beach next to them. Complete coincidence. It was. I swear. On to dinner.
Now we’re talkin’, Ash. Thanks for steppin up the wardrobe with something we can’t see through. Digging the white soled, wide strap Barbie doll heels and the sparkly bracelet. The dress almost hit the mark. Fitted open back mini - it works. The straps were mildly cautious and the animal print isn’t exactly magic. But oh well, at least she shed the braid.
Ames attacks her in the elevator. His assertiveness can be attributed partially to the concussion, but mostly to his obvious inebriation. He brags about having been there before. Not Hong Kong in general, but the 48th floor of that particular building. I’m beginning to wonder if he moonlights as the travel consultant for the show. Hmmm.
Back at the room, the date card arrives. JP gets to “take a peek” into their future. Not sure what’s in store, but I feel certain some kissing will be involved. Lots of it.
Now it’s Ben’s turn on the balcony. His primo fashion sense strikes again! Seriously, who could pull that off better than Ben? Next, Ryan. He continues to grin and charm. She gets up and leaves his side to get the rose. She hasn’t even given the other guys a chance. The guys rag on him in their interviews. Blake more than any of them, but he does it in such an articulate manner that I can’t help but forgive him. Ben dislikes him too. Therefore, there must be some truth in this. But I’m still a fan.
On to JP’s one on one. Ash borrowed Ben’s white top. Well, maybe not. I’m not sure about this sheer collarless button up with oversize pockets. Not on her. It’s a bit much for my taste. But whatever. More cute shoes and another sparkly bracelet. JP spills his heart. She daydreams. She couldn’t think of anything clever to say so she steals a page out of Mickey’s book. She asks him the last time he cried. Sound familiar? His answer - when he broke up with his ex. Uh oh. He just opened up the proverbial can of worms. He didn’t know about her obsession with love life history. With that, she feels comfortable opening up about her “history” with her number one pick. So again, yes AGAIN, her time with JP is about Bentley. Wow. He gets the shaft not once, but twice. Seriously JP, bow out and go home to find a woman worth the salt in her tears. She reaches over a plate of balls of some sort to get the rose. Of course Jordan Paul accepts. By the way, are they sipping mimosas heavy on the champaign or is that panda urine? They travel by trolley to a scenic balcony to make out in the humid China breeze. She gets her kissy fix.
Her cocktail party dress and shoes did not disappoint, but I could have done without the high ballet bun. How about a low messy chignon reminiscent of LC’s red carpet ‘do. And why the repeat earring thing again. I want to see different ear adornment every week. Oh well, I’m no expert. I’m just a small town girl with an oversized opinion.
She makes the decision to use the guys as a sounding board regarding the Bentley drama. Like they give a rat’s dot dot dot. So now it’s clearer than ever to them that they are vying for Bentley’s sloppy seconds. Constantine & Lucas call her out on some things. She stumbles on her words as she assures them that she is now ready to move forward after being dumped by Bentley. Or as she words it, “getting closure” with Bentley. Blake picks up on the fact that she apparently got dumped. She is put on the spot about the fact that it obviously didn’t go well. She chooses her words wisely. Ummmm, wellllll, I mean, I guessssss, ummmmmm...oh screw it I think I’ll just grab my drink and go pout!
Good thing Ryan cares enough to chase her down and dry her tears. Ames philosophies about the beauty of the fact that fairy tales aren’t simple. The rest of the guys sit around and dish on her. I love. Blake takes off with her and seems to be saddling up for his moment to give her the third degree. He called her out. But thennnn........... she pulls out the tears. OH--MY--GOSH I’m so tired of seeing her cry. For a minute, Blake goes soft. But he gets his spine back. He’s ticked and not afraid to show it. Neither is Mickey.  I’m so glad he’s not afraid to tell her to send him home. She thinks she’s going to call his bluff by saying if he wants to go he should leave on his own. To her amazement she gets an okie dokie and a sayonara. Admittedly I’ve never been Mickey’s biggest fan, but today he is my hero. She cries again. I’m shocked. Between sobs she tries to convince them that she cares about each and every one of them. Somebody give the girl an Oscar! The hook line sinker award now goes the other way. Rose colored glasses, anyone?
Harrison sits her down after makeup refreshed her sob face. Good ole Chris watches her cry again as he mumbles a quick I told you so that goes undetected by our resident dumpee. He tells her to speak from the heart and wishes her luck from the bottom of his heart (not so much). She moves on to the rose ceremony. They’re all too nice to blatantly exhibit their frustrations, however none of them look overly enthused.
JP, Lucas and Ryan are in like Flynn.
Ben gets a rose. But of course! He’s my favie.
Constantine gets a rose.
Ames has that dazed look again. He’s partially hoping for the rose, partially hoping to sit down soon.
He gets the final rose. The drunken elevator kiss topped the verbal beating she took from Blake.
My prediction aka wishful thinking - Next week, Ken hops back in the pink corvette and cruises back to Barbie’s dream house. The next week, Lucas goes back to the Lone Star State. After hometowns for Ben, Ryan, JP & Constantine, I make new predictions.
She preaches about being open and honest. She begs them to be accepting of her open honesty. Blake is open and honest. Because of that, she sends him home. What was I saying about irony?
Just as I learn his name, he gets the boot. Darn it.
Next week we move to Taiwan. Hey Ames, have you been there too? More of the Orient. Trains, yoga,  Ames in a hideous jacket one can only hope is a costume for a themed date, a large finger wave, mopeds, sky lanterns (very cool). Apparently, there is something romantic about this region that I am unaware of. I’m just a beach girl. What can I say. Hope is in sight, though. Fiji here we come! (fyi - my dream destination) Someone returns. My guess - Blake. We see glimpses of the end. It’s the finale and she’s crying. Surprise surprise. I’m worried, though. I could’ve sworn we saw her dumping Ben at the end. But surely not. Who in the world is THAT stupid? Then again...

3 comments:

  1. Ben is for sure the best ever! But my hope is that he's the next bachelor because I wouldn't mind looking at him for about 10 weeks! :) And after reading this review, I'm going to carefully think my wardrobe choices whenever we hang out! haha :)

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  2. I think she should end up with Ames! They would be perfect together!

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  3. haha Steph! I'll reserve my judgments for national TV! :) Besides that, you always look pretty! And I agree...Ben would be a great bachelor. I hadn't thought of it that way. Maybe I need to rethink my wish for him to win! Amy, while I do think Ben is too good for her, I don't know how much more of Ames I can take!

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