From Phuket to Chiang Mai, Episode 5

Are we really still in Thailand? Next week can we please, pretty please, move on to somewhere a little more romantic and a little less...ummm...Hangover II??

We begin by reliving the Bentley drama. Oh the dot dot dot. Still a chuckle in my soul as it relates to that line. Nonetheless, Ashley is hopeful this week. Still looking for her happy ending.

This week - three dates: a one-on-one, a group and a two-on-one. For Bachelorette newbies, no that’s not a menage a trois. It’s two dates rolled into one...ohhh the romance. 

The one-on-one meets my approval. “Ben F, let’s fall in love” in this sticky, mountainous, old town. 

Interjection: I knew Ames was stuffy, but did he really insist on pronouncing process with a long o? Pro (as in short for professional)-cess. I’m so over this dude.

First stop on Ben F’s date...a flea market by way of 3-wheeled taxi slash love machine. I can only assume she is taking him to a flea market because all dudes love to browse crowded tables with old crap nobody else wants in hopes of finding a hidden treasure only costing a quarter. Stick needles underneath my fingernails. It would be more fun than a foreign flea market! That said, they were grilling some food up so redemption is on the  menu. I love sampling food from different regions/cultures, however I have yet to see anything in Thailand that tempts my palate. The good news, they got to paint tiny umbrellas. Yayyyy....assuming my sarcasm can be sensed.

Next stop - a sacred temple. They sit on a bench staring into each other’s eyes, sexual tension mounting, performing a “mental kiss” and anticipating what will happen later. Easy there Ash, it’s not the week Harrison offers you a key and the option to forego things.

“Later” finally arrives for sweet Ben. When has a man ever looked hot in a sheer blouse? June 20, 2011 at 7:18 pm on ABC. Plus he used the word intricate and the word breath taking. A man with a bit of articulation and a vocabulary - sexy. About Ashley’s outfit...did she not get the memo that jumpers are really only cute in shorts or mini-skirt form? Capri length jumper: fashion no-no in the world according to Cheesecake Moments. More odd looking Thai cuisine. Can we go to Greece for gyros and baklava? Anyhoo. Ben F talks seriously. I faintly hear the story as I am completely distracted by his awesome hair and beautiful brown eyes. Yes, I’m a sucker for brown eyes. Next thing I know, she’s giving him the rose. As if there were ever any question! The evening culminates with a group of performers displaying feats of fire for which the lovebirds were completely incognizant of due to the fulfillment of their mounting tension.

Back at the pad Nick answers the door for the group date card. Although I can’t, for the life of me, figure out WHY he’s wearing a shirt! Did he not read my blog last week? Apparently not. Whatever, Nick. There’s your one way ticket to my doghouse. The group consists of Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, JP, Mickey. So William and Ben C are left for the final date. Heart crushing for me. Why do Blake & Lucas get a free pass? And Ames for that matter. While we leave 2 of my favies for the final date. Ashley, I like you less every moment.

Annnnnnd our first countdown of the season...32 minutes! If you followed me last season, you know what I’m referring to. If not, here’s a brief overview - when a bachelor, not even necessarily hot from the neck up (i.e. Nick), displays a bare torso that leaves me flabbergasted, I note the exact minute my TV screen is overcome with the radiant glow of said torso. Ok, so now that you are caught up on the whole countdown concept, you’ll understand when I say the fun began 32 minutes into this week’s show when we first saw Nick’s pecs. A quick assessment of the competition...place a bag over Ames’ head, or at least his Botoxed forehead, and he’s not half bad. Mickey’s sportin’ a nice 6 pack, plus he’s super tan and is a sexy sweater...if there is such a thing. But it kindof goes downhill from there. JP, as much as I love him, could cut glass with those nips. Constantine is rockin’ the beer gut (plus he didn’t take the time to shave his chest for this). Ryan, although a complete doll, sortof has man boobs. Blake (yes I finally remembered his name!), well I’m not sure what to say about his pre-pubescent looking trunk. And then there’s Lucas. Or should I say muffin top? Or bird legs? Take your pick. But Nick, he’s the real deal. That chest has got it goin’ on!

This date - Ryan said it best, “testosterone at its finest.” Why the heck would these guys agree to this? And why the heck would Ashley put them through it? So incredibly barbaric to make these guys beat the crap out of each other like that.

Round one - Blake over Lucas. All of a sudden, Blake has my attention. Not because of the fight, but something else happened. I can’t explain it. Out of nowhere, a spark. He finally sheds the title of “what’s his name.” Round 2 - JP over Mickey.  Round 3 - Ryan over Ames. Round 4 - The heavyweights. Constantine over Nick.

Two words I never pictured myself saying... poor Ames. He is just plain old out of it. Concussions are not fun. I felt sorry for him. Violence is probably the only word not in his vocabulary. Props for rockin’ the pink shorts, though!

The group date evolves into evening conversation. Ashley sporting a fantastic off the shoulder black tiered dress and some out of this world stilettos. Her fashion sense is improving. Ryan goes on about how bad he feels about what he did to Ames. He quickly proceeds to point out all of his bumps and bruises, though. Did the guys really rag on Ames’ pink shorts? I personally loved them. No reflection on my opinion toward him as a contestant. I just loved the shorts. He was clearly not feeling well, but showed up anyway. Apparently to deliver a cheesy joke about the doctors diagnosing him with the love bug.

Back at the ponderosa, my top 3 sit and chat about the two-on-one date on deck which involves my #2 and my #3. Could she possibly offer up 2 roses instead of one? At this point, I can only hope.

Resuming group date chit chat. Blake somehow rocks the aviator, unlike Ames. Maybe because he chose black over blue. Or just maybe because I am actually noticing him now. I don’t know. But she insists on thinking about Bentley as Blake tries to charm her...oh, and display his fear that she isn’t attracted to him. Ash decides a little role playing might just conjure up some attraction for Lucas. Golf pro, please. She asks that all-important question every great golfer needs answered - do I stick out my butt? All that’s missing is a little pizza delivery. Bow chicka wow wow. Thennnn........ buzzkill. He brings up Bentley. Fail. Regardless, she is obviously attracted to him. I expected a sympathy rose for Ames. But instead... Blake. His sad puppy “you’re not attracted to me” thing apparently struck a cord. He gets his reassurance after all. Yes, I’m beginning to have positive opinions toward him but his cold fish kisses aren’t exactly JP style. Just sayin.

The dreaded double date. They row down Deliverance river and William shows his sense of humor by asking if they are doing ok. They hit land and William gets time alone with her. Like a playground tattle tale, he uses it to dish on Ben C. Ashley looks disgusted with that story, but she also looks disgusted that he’s telling her. She takes silly Willy on his word (although I feel she never planned on keeping Ben anyway) and sends him packing. The fact that he was already considering the online dating game makes me realize he liked Ashley about as much as I do. Good luck Benny! Normally, I’d be a bit appalled by something like this. However, it’s Ben. And the victim is Ashley. She is doing him a favor, really. Mousy little crybaby Ashley and her Bentley baggage. Who in their right mind could ever be attracted to that anyway. William is happy, but in this moment, I’m thinking he’s not a shoe-in for the rose. Otherwise he’d have gotten it on that river bank, right? Still waiting to see how that turns out...

She & William head to their alone dinner. I gotta say...Ashley’s dinner dress... AH-maz-ing!! She brings up some “30 year old boy” comment he made in a moment of fun conversation in the past. She sends him home, too. No tremendous shock considering how the whole day played out. She tried to make it seem as if sending him home was about that comment he made way back when. But the fact of the matter is that she left her big girl panties at the comedy club and is still throwing herself a pity party about the Emily stuff. Grow up! He’ll have NOOO trouble finding someone, though. Tattle-tailing asside, he’s a cutie pie and I still heart him. I can’t move forward without making mention of the potty mouth interview...and the fact that he thinks his life can’t go on without her. Really, William? Without HER? ASHLEY? Are we talking about the same girl, here? I guess he’s a bit delusional. She burns his rose. Is this pyro season? She’s eliminating my favorites one by one. Who’s next? Ben F? There’s the point where I might just create an “I HATE ASHLEY HEBERT” Facebook page!

It’s cocktail party time and she is in the mood for another serious lecture. Ugh. These guys have got to be bored by this stuff. Also, she has went from a really bombtastic dress to the most unflattering rag she could have donned...aside from the lovely sunflower pj pants. And what’s up with that hairdo?  I don’t get it. Weirdest.Bachelorette.EVER.

Ryan has another “I’m all about you” talk with her and she seems more focused on the locust sounding insects chiming in every microphone on set. Or is that me who’s distracted with the bugs? Constantine gets his sit-down and we get to watch him sweat again. She grills him about how much he likes her. Her insecurities shine in every conversation she has. Wrong person for this job! It’s obviously 187 degrees out there, so why is Ames wearing a suit and tie. Even the guys in just a shirt & tie look miserable. She corners JP and throws her legs across his lap. Gee, I wonder why. Easier to move in for an earthshaking kiss? But then... no kiss. Bentley on the brain...again. She won’t even give these other guys a chance because of that. Wow she’s pathetic. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have the pleasure of writing about more Bentley drama. But she makes me ill with her revolting obsessing, totally unaware that he is disgusted by her. There is something to be said for karma.

Harrison tries to tell her what a fool she is, but she insists on getting “closure” with the dot dot dot. She wants to ask Bentley a couple simple questions. All of that is code for I know I can win Bentley over if you’ll give me another chance. Yeah, we’ll see about that.

Ben F, Blake, you’re good. Relax.

Who else stays and what she is thinking with each rose

Constantine, I’m not really sure why I’m picking you. I just am

Lucas, more golf lessons please

JP, me need kissy

Ames, I feel sorry for you

Mickey, I didn’t know you looked so sexy when you sweat

Ryan, I made you wait for the last rose because I’m evil like that

Who joins the Diary of the Departed?

Nick. Terrific! No more countdowns.

Next week, Hong Kong. The mystery hotel guest revealed - Bentley. Room 4315, where it all goes down. I can’t wait to watch him crush her fragile heart! And the other guys are growing disgusted by her. It seems those relationships go South. Karma. It is what it is.

The closing reel was one last look at the talented and handsome Ben C, Mister match.com. And a final look at the cleverly comedic William shooting his own Blair Witch style video he hopes will go viral.