Ashley's Boys, Episode 1

Why does it always begin with excruciating “heart break” from the previous season?! Watching recaps made me wonder how Brad ever won me back after leaving me hating him the first time? What is it they say about a leopard? Should’ve known. I mean, c’mon...he could even’t hang on to Emily - the sweetest Bachelorette ever. Ok, maybe he’s not entirely at fault. BUT - he made her do something she hadn’t in 6 years...fall in love. Then what? She watches the shows and realizes he played the same game with other women. Even though the show is centered around making it appear as if there are several love interests, he could have been a little less OVERLY smitten with a couple of the others if he truly was completely into Em and only Em from early on. Anyhoo, that season is over! Moving on...

I believe the world expected the loser of the final 2 (or maybe even crazy Michelle) to be the next Bachelorette. But noooooo. We get the whiny little standoff-ish 3rd place chick with new bangs, the “dentist”...which is the part that still gripes me. SHE’S NOT A DENTIST, PEOPLE! She’s in dental SCHOOL!! Get it right. At least she is past her weird oriental clothing phase. I’m just glad they began the show with her practicing her dance moves and playing on a beach swingset. Such a significant part of the show. Yes. 

The crop that scored an opening package. Yep - I said package...

THE GUYS

Ryan P. - Oh yeah, nice looking solar energy entrepreneur! Easy access to the beach. White teeth. Capable of making an air heart with the sun beaming through it. Welllll, cheese factor activated on that last one. Nonetheless. First out of the limo. She likes. 

JP - The construction manager from NYC. Not really digging the buzz cut, but nice lookin’ dude. Straight out of the limo, he tells her that dress is stunning. I love that word. Add a tally mark to this guy’s checklist. Friendly.

Ames - Ummm, really? Grew up in NYC, went to Yale, 2 Master’s at Columbia, Doctorate at Harvard, works on Wall Street, been to 70 countries, marathon runner, nice hair, nice abs...on paper, this guy’s a catch. So why am I creeped out by him? Maybe it’s the oh-so-obvious porcelain veneers. Maybe it’s the Ken doll thing he has going on. I don’t know. I’m just not feeling Ken...I mean Ames. So Ken crawls out of the limo with a courteous “hello” just like father taught him. Then came the ballet tickets. Is he for real? How about scoring some box seats at Busch stadium? Or VIP passes to the Black Eyed Peas? Seriously, Ames. Super stuffy!

Ben C. - Oh heck yes! Lawyer from The Big Easy! What a dad-gone cutie pie! A passionate romantic. AND he plays the piano. Sexy. Gets out of the limo and speaks French to her. Uhhh-huh yeah. Nicely played Benny!

Ben F - Winemaker from Cali. (shout out to Vergie...you know who you are) I’m normally not a fan of longer hair, but man does he rock it! Seems like a great guy! I like him...a lot! For several reasons. He gets out of the limo carrying a bottle of his special wine just for her. And he brushed his teeth 8 times today. Double brownie points for Vergie. He’s a sweetie. Me likey!

Bentley - Daddy to a cutie pie named Cozy. GREAT hair. Awesome house. Can’t make up my mind. I sense arrogance and that’s a sure-fire turnoff for this ole gal. He wants the Bachelorette to be Emily. Oopsie. Another oopsie - someone told Ashley he is coming on the show to promote his business. Let’s keep in mind, though, that this person is a friend of his ex-wife’s. Really? Oh boy, this guy crawls out of the limo and Ash melts in her stilettos. Then came the discomfort. What will come of this?

Anthony - A-yo. O-ay. From Jersey. Enough said! Yuck. His limo exit and cheesy introduction reminded me how much I do NOT like this Italian cheese ball!

West - Lean lawyer from South Carolina. Lost the love of his life to a seizure. Tear tear. This guy has sex appeal...plus he has a great name! A hug straight out of the limo and a broken compass stuck on West. Very creative, my friend. Well played!

William - He’s not putting off the vibe he really should with the whole girls dump him a lot thing. On the other hand, he is funny. He can’t operate an umbrella sufficiently. Me neither, pal. The story of his watch stopping the minute his Dad passed. Oh me, another tear jerking story. All of that aside, he is soooo flippin cute. And looks a little like Prince William. So I believe I’ll think of him as her prince. As he exits the limo, I fall in love all over again. Cutie patootie indeed! He’s so happy it’s her. Score!

THE OTHERS

Jon - Gets out of limo with a come hither look I am NOT digging! She likes his tie. He throws her over his should to go “straight to the honeymoon” and she thinks it was awesome...or so she says. Not cool.

Lucas - “I’m a hugger.” Oh c’mon Lucas. You totally stole that from her introduction to Brad! Cheeser! Plus, I’m sooo not feelin’ his thin-haired faux hawk.

Mickey - He immediately tries to full on kiss her “from all of the men in America.” Okayyyyyy. Creeper.

Tim - A New Yorker with a THICK accent and...no words. Creepy.

Stephen - Sorry man, I don’t like your long hair.

Chris D - White boy rapping...always a hit. Not.

Rob - The nose. I can’t get over it. The excess gel. I can’t get past it. Ok so, unlike Brad, he has no crowns. So what.

Matt - Douchey hand shake. He reminds me of a Sam I know, so if I call him Sam, pay no attention to me. Take your purple tie in the house and stop it!

Jeff, aka Zorro - REALLY?? He takes his face out of the game. You gotta wonder what he’s hiding.

Frank - A wink, a kiss on the hand, a twirl, and a pickup. That just happened.

Michael (Mike) - With his Donald Trump red satin tie, he says he is excited to see the dentist. Okay so that means he met someone other than Ashley?? Again with the dentist thing. SHE’S NOT A DENTIST.

Chris M. - That gal-darn Canadian accent that I’m not crazy abooot. Dork.

Ryan M. - A far cry from the other Ryan. What’s up with the teddy bear hair? What’s up with the tiny point-and-shoot Kodak photo moment?

Nick - Fried highlighted hair and a sad soul patch. Hang ten dude! Poet laureate of Tamp, FL? Doubt it.

Blake - Nothing. I have nothing.

Constantine - Looks similar to Ben F, but completely devoid of that wow factor. A pink dental floss finger reminder to get milk at the grocery store. No thanks. Cool name, though.

Cocktail party time! The boys are bragging about her dress. I agree. Ryan P. steals her right away to pour on the compliments...oh and to casually mention his solar business success. Nice. She says Ryan has a whole package...I mean IS the whole package. Conversation with Ben F. centered around his wine business. We learned last season that Ash can be quite the booze hound, so yeah this guy is a hit, no doubt! Next she talks to Sam/Matt...AND his Mom. Ummmm Ash says she loves Momma’s boys. Who the heck is she fooling? Every man needs to love his Mom for sure, but NO WOMAN has ever in the history of women liked a Momma’s boy. Seriously, no woman. Some are successful at being convincing that they are ok with it, but trust me...no woman. Sam you are tightening the noose, my man. Mommy on the phone the first time they meet? Are you for real? And the kicker - she reminds them to use protection. As Ash forces the words “that’s awesome Gail. I love you already” out of her mouth, she struggles to keep her gag reflex in tact. Again, no woman. Ever. Next bachelor, please! Then the next voice we hear is Chris M. and his irritating Canadian drawl. Luckily it was interrupted by Mike, our guitar playing faker. Clever, but there’ll never be another Wes. They say.........

On with the party. Organ music and Jeff - goes hand in hand I suppose. That mask. Silly I admit. However, did Tim have to be such a tool about it? I don’t like hateful people. And it bothers me when people put an s on the end of singular words like nowhere. He doesn’t want Jeff “nowheres” near him. Normally drama ensues when there is a room full of women vying for the attention of a man. Jeez Louise these men are crazy! 

I love it when Chris brings in the first impression rose. The claws come out and the competition escalates. Ben C and his signs in the window. Very cool, I gotta say. Along with his fluent French. Wonder if he likes Ashley’s gross dish “pootin” - as I like to call it. Ok, gravy fries. Whatever. William then busts out with his impressions. Make me laugh, darlin’! I’m all about it! So when she walks up to Tim, he says it scared him. Ummmmm, drink another, Otis! Can’t even understand his alcohol-induced babble. So unattractive! And again with the making fun of Jeff and trying to start a fight. Rednecks aren’t only from the South. OBVIOUSLY! Yeah, just go pass out somewhere and snore. Why would the producers send her out to try and wake him? He doesn’t deserve the air time. Then again, anything to make the guy look even worse!

Do we really have to keep playing organ music for Jeff’s shots? His philosphy - don’t blend in, take the face out of the equation, be different, learn what’s inside first, the outside doesn’t matter. I don’t get it. Let’s face it, the outside matters...at least initially. It just does. JP asks her if she likes cheesecake. Conversation immediately evolves into cupcake discussion. Ok, I love cupcakes (on Kavanaugh, mind you) but SINCE WHEN is cheesecake ignored? Fail.

She starts in with Bentley trying to scope it all out. Her puppy dog eyes speak volumes. She told him he better be honest and he promises he will. Well ok then, that’s that. Because guys always tell the truth when they’re trying to land a chick. Sleep well, Ash.

Finally. First impression rose time. Ryan P. If only I had a Like button to press. Nice choice, bangs! The first sign of Bentley’s dark side. In an interview clip he says, “I’m not overly attracted to her.” Hmmm. Red flag, but she’s none the wiser, so who cares.

ROSE CEREMONY

Winners:

Jeff the mask - WHAT??

Constantine - Ick

Ben F - Yes ma’am!

Lucas - Ummmm

Stephen - Neither here nor there

Matt/Sam - I’m sure he’ll run and call Mommy with the good news! And then he’ll teach Ash a new super cool secret handshake!

Nick - She can’t get enough of his “poetic” skills...plus she needs surfing lessons.

Chris D. - Only if he’ll channel his inner Eminem

Ryan M. - She forgot her teddy bear and her camera in Philly.

Blake - Who?

Mickey - Look out! He might try to unhook your bra next time!

Ben C - SCORE!!

West - Yayyyyy

William - best.rose.ever

JP - Nice choice

Ames - After the ballet, maybe they’ll go to a Polo match and stomp divots

As usual, Chris reminds us there is one rose left. Thanks, buddy! And it goes to...

Bentley - Well of course it does. She can’t wait to make out with him.

Buh-Bye in Week One

Tim - Drunk his way right out of the house and into the black van. Classy!

Anthony - Good riddance, douche. No wonder you’ve been single for 7 years.

Rob - Don’t let the door hit you in the nose. Thanks for that last glimpse of your profile.

Jon - She liked your tie. That’s it. Get over it, crybaby. You JUST met her.

Chris M. - No exit interview...thank goodness.

Michael - Should’ve taken a guitar lesson or 2, buddy.

Frank - He’s off to work on his charm.

I’m liking the previews I see. Drama is a’brewin! Bentley still wants Emily. Ashley still wants Bentley. Tears, tears, and more tears. William and his sense of humor. It’s shaping up to be a very interesting season!