Search This Blog

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Big Reveal & The Dump, Episode 3

FINALLY. The mask comes off!
3 dates this week...a group and 2 one-on-ones. The first one goes to Ben C. Yayy. Ashley shows up in a super cute off the shoulder top. Straight to the dance studio for a little choreography. Then a picnic in the park with tons of onlookers “ruining” what Ben thinks is a romantic moment. She wants to do the routine in front of everyone. He pees his pants a little, but agrees. He awkwardly begins dancing, totally unsuspecting of what is coming. All of a sudden....YEAH! Like a G6, yo!! Here comes the flash mob and Ben pees his pants again with excitement and displays his mediocre lip syncing skillz. Seriously though, how cool was the flash mob. Just when you think it couldn’t get any cooler, there they are - Far East Movement. Are you kidding me, right now?! Let’s fly, all you rocketeers!! Shake it Benny. The crowd chants KISS KISS KISS KISS.... Ben obliges without hesitation. Sweet. I must say though that I’m a little disappointed FEM didn’t pull any Girls on the Dance Floor out of their back pockets. Sad face.
On to the little romantic poolside tablescape. Ben gives her a little heavy conversation about relationship expectations that almost seem unattainable. But there’s nothing more attractive than a hopeless romantic. Awwwwww Ben C, I heart you. Ash kinda does too, hence the rose. Followed by a giddy grin and a sweet smooch from our resident Cajun.
Meanwhile we have seen Bentley STILL expressing his desire to just get out of the house....... all the while letting it be known that he’s not necessarily wanting to win over Ashley. He just wants to get out of the house and beat out the other guys. So charming.
An unsuspecting Ashley is unexpectedly cornered by Zorro. He leads her outside, building the suspense. She’s thinking ‘do i really want him to take it off? do i or don’t i? i’m nervous. i’m scared.’ But she acts excited in front of him. Here it comes - the big moment - the mask is coming off - dun-dun-dun.......IT’S OFF! Annnnnd...”Hi, I’m Jeff.” What was the buildup for? Blake (you know, what’s his face) hit the nail on the head. It’s  like a present that has been opened and it turns out to be an empty box. Ok, now that that’s over with. On with our lives.
Group date time. I’m more excited than the guys are for sure. Bentley is stuck in the back with the maskless creeper while everyone else sips mimosas. Now I am a fan of Jeff Ross, but when he shows up as part of a group date you know it can’t be good. Roast Ashley time. The common theme is peeing of pants this week, and this date is no different. You can see it on the guys’ faces. They sit. They sweat. They write jokes which I can only anticipate will be flops. They all had the right idea...roast each other. Well all except William. He decides he’ll display brass. I have a bad feeling about this, Will. Ames aka Ken tells us beforehand that he is the farthest thing from a comedian we’ve ever seen. Noooooo...ya don’t say.  Ashley hits the stage to sit in the roasting chair. I think she lost her bottom button but oh well, there’s nothing to see...as the boys would point out. “Zorro’s unemployed brother” takes the stage. Thanks for that, Jeff. Although he hasn’t had a date or much alone time with her, he is the first to point out her lack of a rack. Bold dude. And by bold I mean moronic! The snowball begins. Oh the boob jokes. In walks Will. We all see something coming, but just don’t quite know what that something is going to be. Oh boy. He busts out with the whole Emily/Chantal thing. Fail. Even Bentley knows that was stupid...although he lets us know he agrees. Big surprise! Ok I totally get how that would cut to the bone. However, it’s a roast, Ashley. Did you REALLY not expect someone to go there? Suck it up, sister.
Who else but Bentley finds her crying in the dark somewhere? Good ole Bentley. He consoles her with tired lines, insincere compliments, a quick jab about her small boobs, and a couple of awkward giggles. But in his mind he’s picturing our sweet little Em. His sympathy is laughable. Literally, I laughed. Out loud.
The guys wait outside for the crybaby to dry it up. She actually takes the time to have a “talk” with the guys. She fights the tears and lets them know that her biggest insecurity was touched on by William’s comments. She was ok with the small boob thing, though. That makes a lot of sense. We aren’t allowed to have feelings for Emily, but we can rag on her tiny rack all day long. Ok. Well since she not-so-nonchalantly called out William, he pulls her aside to apologize. I believe him. He was just trying to be funny. Who knew she couldn’t take a flippin’ joke?! Ugh. I still love you, Will.
Zorro: I adopted a 3 legged dog that was abused.
Ash: Who cares weirdo? William just hurt my feelings. Who cares about your dumb dog?
Zorro: But Ashley...
Ash: Seriously Jeff, I don’t care right now!
Zorro: Do you have no heart? I’m trying to tell you about my dog. And for goodness sakes, I took my mask off for you.
Ash: Yeah that was a mistake. Big mistake. You’re ugly, man. And old.
Zorro: Ouch. Can I borrow a Kleenex? We can cry together.
Ash: That’s more like it. I need a partner who is irrational like me. Thanks so much Zorro.
Ryan P saves the day. He tells her SHE is who he wanted there. With that big cheesy grin you gotta believe him. He’s such a charmer. KISS KISS KISS KISS.
Back at the house, the date card arrives. As a makeup date I assume, it’s JP. No coin tossing involved!
Bentley gets more alone time. Ashley lets him know about the information she got before she came. She lets us know her informant was the one and only Michelle! Yes, THE Michelle! So not only did this info come from an ex-wife, but it was the loon who delivered the information. He guessed it though. Michelle’s the culprit. Ashley chooses not to believe anything. In all fairness, those are not the most reliable sources! At all! I can see how it’d be hard to believe. However, did that not plant the seed of doubt? I like Ashley less with every conversation she has with Bentley. She’s so gullible. I gotta say...my favorite part of that scene... “are your eyes closed? are you sure?”...followed by the funny little smurk to the camera. I laughed loudly AND rewound to watch again. Seriously such a tool but WHY am I so cracked up by him? How did I go from totally loathing this guy to being so darn entertained by him? She’s not his type. He’s not feelin’ it. He wants to hop the first plane back. Bentley no! Really? Can’t you stick around and make us laugh a little more? Sidenote: It appalls me that he uses his baby Cozy as his excuse. He could’ve at least told the guys the truth and told her he had to get back to his job. Anyhoo, that’s Bentley. Then in his interview he calls all of the guys tools and idiots. Ohhhh-weeeee I’m already ready for the Men Tell All episode. This is getting good! 
Ok now comes the “hard part” of the show. Hard for Ashley, easy for Bentley, entertaining for me!
BEST.LINE.EVER - “I’m gonna make Ashley cry. I hope my hair looks ok.”
2nd best line ever - “I’m not sure how exactly this is gonna go, but there’s no turning back. That’s a trip too...it’s freakin’ in my head...I need to go poop it out.”
That happened!
On with the departure. Calling Ashley an ugly duckling was a little harsh. So why did I laugh? He enters the house and gives her a bear hug. The performance begins. Unrehearsed, but well delivered. Again, I don’t like that he’s using Cozy as his excuse. However, I’m momentarily overlooking it so I can continue to be amused. His fake tearing up thing...funny. She cries and cries some more. He thinks about his next line and leans in for a hug. He’d try to cop a feel but...you know. She told him she pictured him in the end. He says he’s thought about the end a lot too and wishes the end was tomorrow. Good one, playa! Play on. He doesn’t like to hold a girl who’s crying...and crying...and crying. Man he’s good. He’s trying to “turn her on a little bit” and wants to “start something up” when she jumps up and straddles him. His words, not mine. HI-LAR-I-OUS! He wants to keep the dot dot dot there. Very clever, my man. Dot dot dot. Better than a period, indeed, sir. He tells her she is gorgeous and the tears make her eyes sparkle. Hook. Line. Sinker.
And ohhhhh myyyyyy gosssshhhh she’s knows this guy for what, a week or 2, and it’s off to hide under the covers and sob. Again, suck it up sister!!!!
Poor JP. She mourns the departure of Bentley, and JP gets the shaft! He’s looking forward to a fun date at her house and instead has to console her because another guy left. Leftovers from a stirofoam tray, a wrinkled button up with blue jeans, and a haphazard pony with puffy boohoo eyes. Then “to slip on something more comfortable” - LITERALLY - she changes into sweat pants, a hoodie jacket, house shoes and glasses. THAT’S the Ash JP got. Not fair. I’m mad at her. Grow up, gal! Take those ugly sunflower pj pants and that zip up hoodie off, throw some makeup on, and give him the date he deserves! Oh well, at least he got a rose. But honestly, I’m not sure I’d have accepted it. What a disgusting date. Except for the part where she says JP kisses better than Bentley. Please Bentley, please respond to that publicly!
Harrison sits her down to hear her whine about her terrible week and the dot dot dot. He clinches his hands together, grits his teeth, and throws up in his mouth a little. He hides his disdain perfectly though. Smooth. After only a couple of minutes all I’m hearing is blah blah blah. Quit the sniveling and let’s give some roses out.
No cocktail party. Score! This buzz kill of a night needs to end. Quickly. Harrison eases the minds of Ben C, JP, and Ryan. They have roses, so they may chill. Everyone else, buckle up...especially you, Will.
Recipients:
Constantine - What does she see in this stoner?
West - :)
Mickey - Not again
Ben F - Muah!...but lose the bowtie, cutie!
Blake - Nothing...still nothing. WHO is this dude?!
Nick - Oh gosh. Enough is enough. Someone give him back his surfboard.
Ken - Oh, I mean Ames. Boooo
Lucas - Really?
Gentlemen, the final rose. Thanks again, Harrison. How could we do it without you?
Much to our amazement - WILLIAM! Redeem yourself, baby, redeem yourself! Heart

Losers:
Chris - Not a fun guy anyway. And probably a Cubs fan, so adios.
Zorro - Shouldn’t have taken the mask off, old man. Better yet, shouldn’t have worn it in the first place. It made for awesome kindling.
Next week - Off to Thigh-land. If you haven’t seen Hangover II, disregard that misspelling. Until then...dot dot dot.

No comments:

Post a Comment