Episode 5, You Want Me to Milk a What?

Chris begins the episode with his usual rundown. Ladies. Good morning. Looking nice and hungover today, all 11 of you. Congrats on making it this far. This week things are gonna get hairy. 3 dates...a group date, a one-on-one and a two-on-one. It’s time to hit the road, Bachelor style. Pack your stuff, gals. We’re off to Whitefish, Montana.

The ladies arrive at the lodge in an old school glass top bus with a broken window. What does the broken window have to do with anything? Nothing, really. Anyhoo. After jumping on the beds, the girls gather to hear the reading of the date card.

Lindsay, Let love soar! Does this mean the wedding dress makes a reappearance?

No dress, but a ride in Bruce Wayne’s chopper. A ride to the top of a mountain. Not the most original of locations for the show but it beats a KOA Campground, I suppose. Afterward, red wine in front of the fireplace. Small talk about life ensues. It appears everything is going smoothly with no awkwardness. And just like that. Kissing to fill the dead air begins.

Group date card. Capital L is happy to read the card aloud. You make my heart race...Selma, AshLee, Des, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn, Daniella. Oh my oh my. Our resident crazy sure is happy about the two-on-one. Right? Don’t we believe her? She’s like. So excited. Like really excited.

Lindsay gets the rose. She is getting really good at that baby voice she practices in front of the mirror. We get a healthy dose of the voice as Sean tells her there is another surprise, which ends up being a personal concert compliments of newcomer Sarah Darling. PS, Bachelor viewers - Her new album just dropped on iTunes. Well played, Ms. Darling. She sings, Sean and Lindsay slow dance on a pedestal center stage, Lesley feels a tug in the pit of her stomach as her world record begins slipping away.

The group date girls round the turn on an obscure Montana backroad. Betwixt the fluffy vests, thick scarves and added wardrobe layers, I’m pretty sure our ladies could have smuggled in a Yeti unnoticed. Non-kissing Selma (all 110 pounds of her) immediately mounts Prince Charming, while maneuvering in such a way that they “accidentally” bump uglies. But hey. At least they didn’t bump lips, because THAT would be unacceptable. The girls kiss the romance goodbye as Harrison explains the obstacle course involving saws, hay bails and goats. Red Ellie Mays vs. blue Ellie Mays...here we go. Winners get goat milk, losers are escorted out to hit the hay. Pardon the pun. But look out blue team, the red team is maaaad. They’re all reallll mad. The wilderness X-games come to a close with the red team on top, despite their escapades with the goat’s uncooperative nipples and through-the-nose milk squirting.

Ahhh but have no fear blue team. Listen to Harrison’s impromptu date card. AshLee, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine... Sending you home didn’t feel good. Please join me at the party tonight. I can’t wait to see you. They shed their blue Ellie May Clampett shirts for more appropriate date attire. Meanwhile Sean is met with disapproval from the reds when he breaks the news that the blues are coming back. Awk-warrrrddddd. On that note, he steals Sarah away to hear about...well, I'm not sure.

As the blue team gets ready, we see that Daniella does indeed brush her hair. I’d heard rumors, but was a little skittish about believing them until now. The mystery is solved. She does own a hair brush. And yes, she does use it. You go girl.

Tierra sulks on the front porch as she logs claims in the workers comp section of her journal, occasionally breaking briefly to ponder new ideas on how to “injure” herself at the most convenient times. Once the coast is clear, she turns the pages to the kleptomania section for a way to snag a blue Ellie May shirt without being busted. She uses this info to get herself ready to once again barge in somewhere she doesn’t belong. She straps on her boots, raids the closets of the blue team and stands stoic in front of a mirror using some sort of self-inflicted force to exxagerate the “scar” on her forehead. Remember this, anyone?

It is quite the cesspool of wrath as red awaits the return of blue. Look out people. When Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry. Speaking in third person helps get Selma’s mind off of Selma’s vow not to kiss Selma’s man.

Tierra the Tierrible brought her game face to the party...or rather, her peek-a-boo face.

Tierrible: Guess who.
Sean: Ummm, I don’t know. Sally Field?
Tierrible: No you silly, Sybil had 13 personalities, I only have 2. Shrew and...wait, that’s it. Just shrew. See. I’m not crazy. I only have one personality.
Sean: Good to know. Write that in your journal after you return that stolen shirt.
Tierrible: Oh Sean. You’re so funny. I came here because I didn’t know where your heart was at, but now I know. You love me. I know you do. Am I getting the rose? Should I cry?
Sean: Well I think I better hold off on giving you a rose.
Tierrible: But Seanny Sean, when I walk away I’m gonna trip over a camera cord and..... [clears throat] no no no, I didn’t mean that. I meant I MIGHT trip and fall. What just happened.
Sean: I think you implied you were going to purposely trip and fall in order to hijack my sympathy.
Tierrible: NO you idiot. I did NOT say that. Life is short. You never know when an accident is going to happen. I would never injure myself accidentally on purpose! I hate your eyebrows.
Michelle: I KNEW I wasn’t the only one!

Des gets a chance to express her irritation at the fact that the losing team got to go on the date too, despite the fact that she worked her derrière off for that milk mustache. Capital L steals Sean’s attention for a while so she can compare the journey to a fairy tale. You know the one. Cinde-freakin-rella.

Date card. Tierra and Jackie...Love is a wild ride. Chris says two women, one rose, one stays, one goes. Tierra gets ready for HER two-on-one date.

The remainder of the group date was kindof the Daniella show...well, except for Catherine’s tonsil hockey session in Sean’s ever-so-inviting lap. Daniella witnesses this and crumbles at the hands of Jose Cuervo. He’s not a friend of hers. Sean sniffs out the despair and pulls her away to see if she kisses better than she fixes her long blonde locks. The rose goes to our tequila shooter, against Robyn’s better judgment. I mean. It’s just not fair that someone from the blue team got the rose. She can’t even do a backflip.

It’s finally time for Tierrible’s date. You see, it can’t possibly be a two-on-one date because little does Jackie know, Sean is already taken. Jackie has no idea. He is Mr. Tierrible and it’s time Jackie finds this out.

Jackie uses her alone time with Sean to shoot herself in the foot with Tierra talk. I’ll never understand why these girls can’t figure out that it’s never a good idea to spend alone time talking about another girl...or in this case, Sean’s wife.

Mr. and Mrs. Tierrible, oh and third-wheel-Jackie, sit for dinner in front of the same fireplace where Lindsay baby talked her way into getting a rose. It didn’t go exactly as Jackie had hoped. Sean knocks back a glass of Merlot as he cuts his eyes toward Jackie, squirming in his funeral slacks, thinking of ways to send Jackie packing on a slow horse back to Florida.

He takes Tierrible outside to discuss her forehead crack...and I mean that in the nicest possible way. And he didn’t actually want to discuss that but it’s the elephant in the room so it’s my duty to bring it up. I have an obligation to my readers to put a “friendly” spin on the forehead crack. Stay tuned.

Tierrible plays out this long tierrible story about a drug addict ex who she was with while he was in and out of rehab. But she stayed with him because she’s a wonderful person. Her best friend of 13 years, she stuck by his side no matter what. He passed away, and she lost her BFF. This is why she is the way she is. She is scared because she gets so attached to people she cares about. She is scared of losing people. She does not want to scare him off. She just wants a new BFF.

Version 2: Once upon a time she met this supplier who was at her beck and call. For five years they worked out a 'payment plan' that suited them both. This guy would only visit on the occasion he wasn’t at home with his wife (or rehab as she liked to call it). When the stalking began, he put a restraining order on her, and she completely wigged out. In order to avoid her wrath, he had to move away never to be seen again. Now Tierrible is so scared that she won’t be able to find another victim who will fall prey to her psychosis for more than five years.

But I’m sure her version of the story gets her closer to the rose. She left out the part where she “fell” and hit her head, though. Sherlock Holmes, if you’re out there, please check her facts. Please.

The cocktail party should prove to be interesting. It appears that Daniella’s rose came with a complimentary curling iron. Tierra caresses her rose as she cuts her evil eyes around at the ladies who mistakenly think they have a shot with her husband. It sure is a good thing she’s an upstanding citizen instead of a fighter. Otherwise, she’d beat the bleep out of those bleeps.

Robyn channels her inner brass. Lesley follows suit and they confront Tierra as the grizzly bear on the wall cheers them on. It didn’t go as planned, though. Tierra exclaims she will not be “threhhhh-ened” because she can go get engaged to any of the endless supply of bleeping dudes out there in the world willing to get “wit” her. Are you wit me, yo? This Scorpio WILL bite, beeyaa!

You gotta admit, it’s pretty priceless that Sean walks through the room as Tierrible was laying into anyone who will listen to her. Sean gets her outside and we see that she does indeed have more than one personality. In an instant, she went from threhhhh-ening gangsta to poor victim.

Bugsy: Tehehe, Seanny Sean. Poo bear. Isn’t it funny how I was fuming when you walked by?
Sean: What’s up with that?
Bugsy: Well, you see boo, I have done nothing wrong. I never do. Girls are just jealous of me. Story of my life, yo.
Sean: Did you just end your sentence with the word yo?
Bugsy: Wait. What? For a second there, I forgot which personality I’m in. They’re picking on me, Sean.
Sean: Who?
Bugsy: Just all of them. Everyone.
Sean: Everyone?
Bugsy: Yes. They’re attacking me. I’m like what the heck. I’m not a drama person. They’re attacking me for everything. I don’t deserve this. I can’t handle it. It’s a good thing I’m not a fighter because I’d, I’d, I’d...umm, never mind. I’m a nice girl and nobody gives me credit.

Sean tries to get the scoop out of Lesley. She is very diplomatic about it, and doesn’t quite throw Tierrible under the bus. But she also didn’t sing her praises.

After philosophizing with Harrison, Sean hands out roses to all but one:


Robyn backflips her way back to the great state of Texas.

Next time, Cold air, igloos, and more “injuries” plague Tierra.

Until then, Bachelor fans!


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