We trade in ab crunches and calf raises for a seaplane and an homage to our beloved Tattoo and Mr. Roarke. Eh boss, de plane, de plane. My dear ladies, I am Sean Lowe, your host slash Bachelor... welcome to Fantasy Island. Hope you brought your skimpiest string bikinis. We have something very special in store for you.
First let me say, I have a new destination on my bucket list.
Since Tierrible isn't friends with girls who like her husband, she would much prefer the comfort of a roll out cot. The up side: she will become accustomed to the sleeping arrangements of the padded cell she is destined to someday occupy. Winning.
Des is more than happy to inform the group that AshLee gets to get 'carried away' with Sean. Tierrible is concerned that there is a cougar on the prowl. AshLee's all of 32 years old. Therefore, she should've already gotten her arthritic self down the aisle and had 6 kids and a minivan by now. Right? I mean, isn't 32 the ripe old age where dust starts to settle in places dust shouldn't go? Ok. Good to know. Thanks for clearing that up, Tierra. At 41, I suppose it's time for me to start choosing a nursing home. I'll get on top of that one tomorrow. And for the record, Sean is pushing 30 so he might want to consider scheduling a prostate exam and a blue pill consultation.
Sean shows Granny the catamaran that is about to take them to paradise. Ash strips down to her Kenneth Cole bikini, which - I gotta say - made me chew on my finger nails a little bit. It also made Sean lose his focus as capital L fills him in on Tierrible's antics around the girls.
The second date card arrives. Catherine delivers the news NOBODY wants to hear. Tierra, Let's explore our love on the streets of St. Croix. Not cool Sean. Now she has to sweat. And fight bugs. And not get to run around in a bikini. And. And. And. Ugh, not do anything fun.
Lesley's take on it was my favorite. Google it.
Capital L is escorted ocean-side for a dinner that makes me quite envious. Conversation begins regarding opening up about anything he might need to know before hometowns.
Sean: So tell me, AshLee, is there anything I should know about you?
AshLee: Actually, yeah, there is this one thing.
Sean: Take your time.
AshLee: Umm well, I do think you need to know this one thing about me. It is something that might be a deal breaker. I don't know how to say this. I'm nervous.
Sean: Ok so when I said take your time, I was only kidding.
AshLee: Ok ok ok. When I was 15, I met this guy and I fell in love. I was having problems with my parents, and. Oh my gosh. This is so hard.
Michelle: You know what's hard? Listening to you beat around the bush! Tell us, already! I mean, tell him already.
AshLee: This guy and I. Well. We got married.
Sean: Is that all?
AshLee: Yeah, that's the big secret. Are you over me now?
Sean: Hair no! I thought you were about to spring a teenager on me! I was like omagosh, is the Biebs about to jump out the bushes and call me Daddy?
And just like that, the seriousness is over and Rose stands up in her chair, extends her arms and professes her love. She'll never let go, Jack. She'll never let go.
Tierra finally gets the date she's been waiting for. Almost, anyway. Sean waits for his wife on a pier, decked out in his Chuck Taylor low tops, Dockers navy shorts, and sky blue button up. There she comes. Mrs. Tierrible. In her Apple Bottom jorts, green patterned top she snagged from a clearance rack at the local Costco and non-matching wedges which she is clearly uncomfortable in. She claimed shopping "wit" Sean was "amazing incredible." After all, he did get her an eternity bracelet AND they got matching necklaces. Take that, girls! Hope you're enjoying your time back at the resort while the Mr. and Mrs. are buying trinkets of infinite love. So when the parade starts up the street and she starts busting a move, who else hoped she'd fall down and twist an ankle. Oh, c'mon. Admit it. Sitting on the steps wit their snow cones, Sean questions her about what's going on in the house. She says how the girls don't include her in anything because they can't accept her because they are STILL jealous of the rose she got on night one. That's her
It's a little awkward watching the two of them talk seriously over dinner at the Sugar Mill. She's complaining about there being a little "distant" with him, he's listening - or at least pretending to - and I'm not sure he even caught it when she called this process a game. Calling Sean. Are you there, Sean? Anyone. Anyone. She's "behind in the game." Didn't you hear that.
Back on the pier, we are granted a close up of the sand caked beneath Tierra's tierrible toenails. I'm no body language expert, but when someone has to profess their "love" for another person in that person's ear and not out loud...it might not be genuine. Just sayin'. Sean tried putting her to the Courtney test.
Sean: Hey. Uhhh. Would you like to go swimming, and maybe, uhhhh, make like Courtney-style and....uhhh....
Tierra: NO. I will not be compared to any other woman. I'm just here to win a game. Did you hear that? WIN. Not winNING.
Group date: Catherine, Des, Lindsay, Love is on the horizon.
Rise and shine, ladies! Let's get those teeth brushed, throw on some clothes, shave our pits, let Catherine pee and hit the bricks. The sun rises over their Mimosas before they take off to explore the island and watch the sun set on the opposite side.
10:34 a.m. - A quick stop at the Sugar Mill. Wait. The same one from Tierra's dinner? Original, Sean. Real original.
12:16 p.m. - They get hometown advice from an ass. No I'm not talking about Tierra...I'm referring to Pippin the donkey. Get your minds out of the gutter.
2:14 p.m. - After stopping off for some fruity island libations, the end up at a tree house. They climb. They swing. They tie their hands together. Sean wonders what type of insight 50 shades gave the girls before her untimely departure.
3:47 p.m. - They end up on the beach. The rose looms in their makeshift cabana.
Lindsay gets him alone in the surf. She didn't expect to come this far, she didn't expect to have a monstrous chin zit on beach day. She didn't expect to have sand caked in her nether regions. But alas, and this may come as a surprise, she kissed him. Shocking, I know. It's not like these two to engage in a game of tonsil hockey. But believe it.
Catherine finds a conch shell from Nano's Souvenir Shop conveniently nestled in the surf. She also has some more personal stuff to share. Her Dad won't be at hometowns because he is in China dealing with his emotional issues. Will all of this "stuff" make our Bachelor run the other way? We shall see.
And then there's Des. She loves him. I think he will love her. But for now, our gal in the wedding dress gets the hometown rose. You're right, Linds...based on night one, nobody saw that one coming. I honestly don't think the other two need worry, though. Seems to me these three are his front runners...even if they didn't get to watch the sun set through the clouds.
Final date card: Lesley, I hope our love stands the test of time.
Our fellow Arkansan gets a date on a plantation. Might I point out, dear readers, that I own the exact shoes Lesley is wearing. Yes. Yes, I do. I'm mighty proud to see "my" shoes on National TV. The box didn't say anything about them being avacado picking shoes, though. Carlos Santana fail. It was a perfectly pleasant day. They picked fruit, Lesley wore just the right amount of makeup for a Lady Gaga concert, they picked more fruit as a black cat looked on, Sean pinned her up against a fence I like to think was made of Sentinel posts, then they finally kissed the most unpassionate kiss I've seen since the Guinness stage. Maybe it's creative editing, maybe it's persuasive editing, but I didn't feel the passion at any point on their jaunt through the plantation. No heat. No world record careening toward its demise. I see no rose in her future.
Sean again waits on a pier, again in his Dockers shorts when a strange woman comes running into his arms. Who else was like - what the?!?! But alas, it's only Shay, his sister. She rolls up in her brightly colored tank and shorty shorts to lend sisterly advice to our strapping bachelor.
While the siblings exchange pleasantries, a storm is 'a-brewin' back at the room. AshLee and Tierra are chatting it up. I bite my fingernails again as I wish I had popcorn (extra butter) to shovel in my mouth. Tierra begins by being a little passive aggressive. But AshLee strikes a nerve and Tierra drops the passive part and whips out the claws, exclaiming that men love her. For what? A breakfast date? It just gets worse from there. And just like that, with a 'zip it' gesture, she hops up, whips her hair back and forth and goes into hiding. She comes back out, engages all three girls in the drama and then gets defensive about her eyebrow and her sparkle. Get real, people. That's her face! She CAN'T control her eyebrow. Quit accusing her of such. She has had no Botox. Her eyebrow is what it is. Eyebrows can't be controlled. Eyebrows have minds of their own. And they sparkle. Nobody will take her sparkle away! Men love her. She can't control what's on her face 24/7. If she could walk around with a smile on 24/7, she would. But her face would get freakin' tired. She's not perfect. Get over it.
Annnnddddd cue tears...or at least the illusion of tears. Sean walks in.
Tierrible: They're out to get me, Sean. It's just so hard. I have a big heart. I sparkle. And I can't control my eyebrow, but they think I can. I'm scared. And did I tell you I have a big heart? I'm emotional because I care. Nobody else sees that. And I haven't even had Botox.
Sean: Botox? What?
Tierrible: I have a big heart. I care. And I sparkle.
Sean: Yeah yeah, I heard you the first time. I think I better send you home now.
Tierrible: What?? You don't love me? But ALL men love me.
Sean: Not this man.
Tierrible: This is all their fault! I can't believe they did this to me! I hope the girls got what they wanted!
Michelle: Oh honey, they did. And so did I. And so did everyone coast to coast watching at home who were yelling expletives at you.
There was a collective sigh of relief, a lot of laughter and a fist pump in my living room. Look out Bachelor Pad, Tierrible is gonna OWN you!
Time to hand out the three roses.
Our Arkansas girl is sent packing. It's just like a Longhorn to hate on a Razorback! Catherine's reaction is a bit perplexing and bizarre. What is this? She's probably next to go.
Next week, it's time to meet the parents. Catherine's sisters give him the what-for. General Lindsay's Dad may or may not offer his blessing. But more importantly, the drama we saw in previews finally plays out on screen. All this time, I thought Des had a boyfriend. But it's a brother. Is he a crazy jerkhole on a rampage? Or is this the ultimate prank occurring before our very eyes? Des is a jokester. We know he tricked Emily when he took her home. It is karma? Is this some sort of elaborate hoax? I think yes. To steal a phrase from a friend, "Ohmyholycow!" I can't wait to see it all go down.
Until hometowns, my lovelies! I leave you with the most "flattering" photos I could find that showcase the sparkle that is... WAS... Tierrible. PS - What ever happened to the "these cookies taste like ****" scene that previewed on night one? Did I miss it?