Episode 9, Crunchy Crickets and Beach Monkeys

This week we visit Thailand. The episode begins with Sean being driven around in a boat by who I can only assume to be Takaka Kaikek. If you watch Friends, you get it. If not, I'm sorry. For more than one reason. Sean dug deep in his closet and found an outfit eerily similar to one he wore with Ems. Those salmon shorts will not soon be forgotten.

At Anatara resort, Sean relaxes in a hammock, and beside a fountain, and on a beach...strangely, anywhere he can be alone. Alone to reminisce. He remembers the undeniable spark between he and Catherine. He loves her funny nature. He is attracted to her nerdy qualities and her weirdness. The romance is off the charts. Sean can be himself around her. He can picture himself cuddled up on the couch together after a long day of toss-the-fish. Lindsay, on the other hand, brings back memories of a crazy person in a wedding dress. A forced kiss on night one which which, incidentally, wasn't contagious. A beach volleyball beast unleashing her prowess as a Magic Mike super fan. A beauty evolving. A drill sergeant who enjoys playful sit-ups. And as always, a baby talking General's daughter. Sean's relationship with AshLee is perfect... on paper. She has a big heart. She has all of the qualities of a good wife. She's open and honest. She's giving and caring. Does she also have and receive? Let's ask Joey.

Oh yeah, and on top of giving and caring and blah blah blah... she loves to throw the word abandon around. Abandon. Abandoned. Abandonment. My challenge to anyone who has the time - count the instances of the word abandon, or any form of it, in this episode.

After indulging in times past, and a dip in the pool, he hits the ground running with Lindsay. She arrives in her best mint green shirt and impractical wedges. Takaka takes them for a ride on a moped with a sidecar, only to drop them off at the local food market. And I use the term food very lightly. Somebody PLEASE tell me they aren't harvesting the living Peeps for food. Please. My Easter is forever tarnished. I really can't even begin to comment on the local cuisine. For all I know jacked up corndogs, pig snout and fried bugs are delicacies. I would never want to offend anyone by bringing up Fear Factor, so I'll let you read between the lines here. I think Linds and I were playing a game of dueling gag reflexes, though. I could've sworn I heard her ask those ladies for the number for the closest pizza delivery. And judging by the weather they experienced on the beach, Mr. Domino's should probably throw in some anti-humidity hair spray along with the parmesan cheese. And speaking of throwing poop beaches, are you kidding me? They get to feed monkeys?! On a beach?! Kinda makes the geese at Craighead Forest Park pale in comparison. Someone went to a lot of trouble to set the stage for this overnighter. Judging by the body language during humidity-fest, they didn't need the pomp and circumstance. Just throw her a breadstick and a glass of wine to wash the bugs down and she's good to go. Talking about a move to Dallas is just the icing on the cake for the military brat who can't keep her baby paws off of Sean. Just as she's about to sputter those three little words, a barrage of Thai showgirls enter and ruin the moment. Ahhh but patience, my friends. Lindsay barely gets the card read before she enthusiastically accepts the invitation to get busy have time alone in the fantasy suite. But before Chris Young sees the white dress hit the floor, Lindsay does manage to tell her man she loves him in her best schoolgirl voice before the lights go down. Goodnight, Thailand.

AshLee runs into Sean's arms wearing a tacky midriff-baring netted shirt and white jorts which were most likely left behind by Tierra during her hasty exit... not to mention, yet more impractical wedges. I guess I've missed some sort of memo. Nonetheless, I'll keep my flip flops for galavanting around Thailand. At least Sean wore flops. Takaka drives them in his boat to a remote location off of the coast where Sean will steer them through a dark cave to their own private beach. So glad AshLee remembered to wear her snakeskin bikini. I needed a gentle reminder of what NOT to buy. The scary trek through the cave reveals the light at the end of the tunnel where their private beach awaits. Predictably they engage in a couples swim involving lots of making out. During dinner, Sean tries his hardest to subliminally coax her into opening up about why she is still single. No such luck, though. Just a nonchalantly delivered comment about not settling. Ash read Chris's card, and before she could deliver her "I don't normally do this type of thing" speech, Sean reassures her that all he wants to do is talk. I believe she saw that as a challenge. Therefore, she gladly accepts the key. She has something to prove, people. She gives him a detailed description of the ring she wants, he laughs awkwardly, she bites his lower lip, and then the petting began. But that's all that happened. Just petting. Remember? She wouldn't want anyone to think she was the girl who crosses moral lines. So just light petting. That's it.

Catherine runs along the beach to meet Sean. I'd like to extend my appreciation to her for wearing flats on the beach. Nice call, Cat. I don't know about everyone else, but I saw sparks between them. Sparks I'd never noticed before. If she knew that she was pulling a Rose and Jack on the heels of capital L doing the same thing, she might just cry weird tears. Filipino women are so beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that I almost forgive her for the nose ring. Almost. She was rockin' that bikini, though. Jewel tone blue bottoms with the oh-so-cute white top. Stunning. You go girl. I sure wish she'd have used that style to dress herself for dinner, though. Yikes. She gives that same old speech about being a lady. You know. The stuff they say for the camera to try and convince the world that nothing happens in the boom boom room. Yeah. We believe you, sweetie. That's why you wasted no time in accepting the offer. I gotta say... I'm a little bothered by the story about people telling her she's chubby and such. Ok, who are these people? Anorexic, crack w****s who hate on beautiful people? Whew. Off of my soapbox. We get a peek at another really great bikini before the cameramen go home.

Sean expresses his dread to Chris. This week brings back memories for Sean. This is the week Ems broke his heart. In my opinion, he still pines for her a little bit. As Sean tells Harrison that he is about to dump someone who is super sweet, my suspicions are all but confirmed. I become confident that he is finally giving capital L the boot. That is always where you get a glimpse of someone's true character.

As Sean watches the videos, I get further confirmation for what is to come. His eyes light up for the first two videos. On the third one, his eyes go dark. So do mine. It is that moment that I become so overly exhausted with her forced emotions and fake tears that I want to ralph a little. That stuff she said in her video...was that from her 9th grade poetry class? And did anyone ever see an actual tear emerge from her crazy eyes? I did not. She spent the whole time wiping the illusion of tears. At this point, I'm literally saying [out loud], "Send her home, Sean. Send capital L home!"

After singing the praises of all three girls, he works up the nerve to hand out some roses. Lindsay gets the first one. AshLee cringes. I cheer. After a longggggg pause, my wish comes true. Catherine, will you accept this rose? And just like that, crazy eyes. AshLee strongly disagrees with his decision to dump her. The woman who can't get through dinner without crying suddenly has no tears. No words. No anything. About the time she realizes she needs to put on a show, she turns the other cheek, wipes phantom tears from her crazy eyes and begins the long process of organizing her thoughts. See what I did there?

Next week promises to be the best TWTA episode ever. And I've sat through Kalon, Courtlip and Michelle Money. I still think this one will trump all. Stay tuned, friends!

And again, beware of the crazy eyes. Until next week!

These, my friends, are the eyes I am afraid of...


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