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Sunday, February 10, 2013

Episode 6, Hypothermia and a Lazarus Moment

This is two weeks in a row we have started an episode without seeing Sean’s manliness in the gym, or on a jog, or cliff top, or...you get the point. I’m emailing the producers about this.

Harrison introduces the ladies to Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies. He explains the dates. Two one-on-ones and a group date. What? No two-on-one? What ever brought about this unexpected change of pace?

First date. Catherine, Let’s find our fairy tale ending. Romantic enough, right? Sounds that way, anyway.

As Catherine stands in wait for her man to pick her up, I peruse the background landscape for a plane and some rugby players. Her chariot arrives in the form of a snow bus. I don’t know about you, but I’m already feeling nervous for her. The first adventure...sledding in subzero temps. All I can say is... poor Sean. The arctic air is not kind to him. The good news, his eyebrows are no longer flesh-colored. They have more of a glacier tint. Like I said, these freezing temps do not bode well for our fair haired Bachelor.


They proceed to make snow angels, play in the snow and drink hot chocolate. All of this with bone-chilling wind whipping around them. An outdoor date in blizzard conditions. There best be a hot tub waiting on them somewhere. Or at least a hair dryer to thaw Sean’s brows and warm his chapped face. As we say in the South, bless his heart.

So it’s time for the evening portion of the date. A carriage ride to an ice castle. What is wrong with this picture? Impressive setup, I’ll give him that. But more outdoor activities? Makes me want to light a match.

The girls await to hear their fate as the group date card arrives. Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley, Daniella...Let’s bare our souls. Poor Dani...she doesn’t get the final one-on-one. C’mon Sean. She brushed her hair and everything.

The rest of “Date Night: Hypothermia” plays out and I wonder what sort of torturous freezing surprise he has in store to wind down the evening? Hanging meat? Ice fishing? A ride on a Zamboni? At least she got the frozen rose. And through the snotty noses, she thanks him amply in French as we watch him, once again, refrain from tilting his head or making it even remotely enjoyable to watch in any way. Arie, where are you when we need you, buddy!

The group date begins with a canoe excursion across the lake in matching snow boots. Sarah Sarah Sarah. Her situation has officially crossed the line from inspiring story to pity party. Do we really have to hear her state the obvious every time there is anything that involves a physical activity. Enough already. There’s something called perseverance.

The journey across the gorgeous and unbelievably frigid waters ends at a chilly bank with curious tents. Methinks this will not end well. Sean announces to the ladies that they will take the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge. Tierra cringes, Selma doth protest, AshLee fears the worst, the others gladly slip into their bikinis.

Selma breaks the news to Sean that her tiny little Baghdad-grown body just simply cannot handle the nippy plunge. A couple of weeks ago, a similar argument was used to insult the choice of a date in the desert. So what we can gather from this is that tiny little, one hundred ten pound Selma wasn’t designed for anything other than a comfortable 72 degree date that doesn’t involve lips. Not too much to ask.

Tierra is already setting the stage. She is worried about how she will react afterward. Did you hear that, Sean? Get ready for it to all go down. Afterward. Wait for ittttt.

If you close your eyes and listen, you might be convinced you are overhearing the happenings among a group of 6th grade girls at a sleepover. That’s not hard to listen to coming from a bunch of grown women. Not hard at all. They are troupers, though. They aren’t afraid of developing a raging case of the high beams. So they jump in, they hop out and thennnnn. Wait for itttttt. Yep. As expected, Houston we have a problem.

The other girls are in their robes and heat blankets. Tierra. Well. What words am I going to approach this with in a delicate manner. Tierra will have us believe she is in hypothermic shock, unable to breath, incapacitated and nearing death. Makes me miss the good old days when she was just “falling” up stairs. It would be very rude of me to accuse her of faking such a “serious” ailment just to gain Sean’s attention. And it would be uncalled for if I called her a pathetic bag of horse... manure. Therefore, I won’t say those things about her. I will, instead, wish her well during her time of “need.” I will also draw your attention to the normal girls back at the plunge site, who are giggling and warming up with Sean in the meantime. Poor Tierrible. She’s “critical” and headed to a medic. Bless her heart.

Medic: Do you know what day it is?
Tierra: That depends. Is the camera in here? Yes? Ok, then no, I have no clue what day it is.
Medic: She is doing better now. She is much warmer now since we got her the Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte she asked for.
Tierra: Yeah, but you got me Tall and I ordered Grande! Wait. The camera didn’t catch that did it? Help me. I’m delirious. I can’t breathe. Where’s Sean.
Medic: Do you need me to put your socks on for you while you eat your sandwich?
Tierra: Yes, and can you also leave that oxygen cord thingy wit me so I can show Sean just how desperate I am my situation is?

And the Oscar goes to...Alice Cooper.

Thankfully, the “patient” won’t be joining the others for dinner. The downside? Nobody to make fun of.

The final date card. Desiree, Don’t be scared...to fall in love.

And just when we thought it was safe to go back in the water, a miracle. Our death bed hypothermia victim with frost bitten toes throws on boots and makeup and heads to the party. Wow. Stellar recovery time, girlfriend. Miracles do happen.

THANK GOODNESS - did you hear me, THANK GOODNESS - someone else got the rose.

Sean makes an early decision to send Sarah home. I can’t say that I’m surprised because I haven’t felt the chemistry lately. That said, I don't agree with his logic. I get that he doesn’t feel like she’s “the one” but how does he know that someone else wasn’t going to slip below her before the rose ceremony. Crazy stuff happens on this show.

Des is whisked away to a mountain top. Sean informs her that they will be rapelling down a the steep mountain side. As they head down, Des develops a 98.6 degree leak that ends in her boot. At the bottom - ahhh flat land - a picnic awaits. Then they make like monkeys and climb a tree. If I haven’t said it lately, I love Des.

After their daytime excursion, Sean dons himself in a Cosby-esque sweater to snuggle in a tepee. Des shares her story of a childhood with certain challenges. Of course she gets the rose. I do believe she has figured out a way to combat Sean’s bad kissing. I feel confident no other woman can make a kiss with Sean look decent. I can only imagine the sparks that would fly between her and Arie.

Selma gets the first alone time of the cocktail party. She decided that since she didn’t take the plunge for him, she is going to give him a kiss. And by kiss, I mean long awkward pause that just happened to involve half of her lips pressing against half of his lips, motionless. She then apologizes to her Mom for shaming the family with that “kiss.” So let me get this straight. It’s shameful to give someone a peck on the mouth (sortof), but it’s ok to wear a plastered on dress that allows the ladies to come out and play. Makes sense.

Then it’s Lindsay’s turn. Let’s play a little game of hide the tongue. Baby talker says she will not be kissing him. Pretty sure that’s code for I found a new place to hide the tongue.

Ash and her capital L become more boring with each episode. Another thing that changes with each episode...her eyes. Have they always been crossed?

Ash: You once told me I can’t relinquish control.
Sean: Oh did I? My bad.
Ash: I have something for you, Sean. It’s a scarf for you to use to blindfold me.
Sean: Oh snap.
Ash: It represents me giving you the control in this relationship.
Sean: Wait. You’re talking about relationship stuff? I thought... never mind.
Michelle: Buddy, you blew that when you sent 50 shades home.
Ash: Here. Blindfold me now.
Sean: Yeah girl.

Then there was a moment that didn’t entirely make sense to me. I just don’t love her. Sue me.

As the snow falls profusely outside in all it’s gorgeous splendor, Sean hands out 3 more roses.

Lindsay
AshLee
Tierra

Selma and Daniella leave us. I can’t say that I’m surprised, or disappointed. Tierrible the Tierrorist gets the spend another week campaigning for Bachelor Pad.

Next week, St. Croix. Crazy gets crazier. There aren’t even any more words for her. Nutso. There’s a word.

Looking forward to the next one, my lovelies!




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