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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Beaver Dams, Highlights & What Are You Laughing At?



Park City, Utah. A helicopter. A landscape so awe-inspiring that Ben can hardly focus on his task at hand: to weed out the crazies in the great outdoors.
Canyons Resort. What a place. What a view. Chris starts us off with that oh-so-familiar run-down of the date scenario. If and when you get time with Ben, don’t talk about the weather. Enjoy the dates. Enjoy the suites. Cool the crazy and have some fun.
Rachel, let’s let nature take its course. As much as I love Kacie, I’m a little bit over the crying. Every date upsets her. I’m determined not to let her slip down my favorites list, but she may not hold my top spot if she continues the weak moments.
Rachel middle-name-Rose used-to-be-a-man twilight-teeth rides off in the show’s most frequent means of transportation, a chopper. Upon landing he takes her to a lush hillside, fall’s vibrant colors beginning to creep into the foliage. They crawl into a canoe on a beautiful little lake. Nature at its finest. But I could think of a few other girls in the house this would suit better. Am I unfairly basing that statement on looks? Maybe, but it is what it is. The uneven heavy bangs, the outdated nose ring, the tacky tragus piercing, the jacked up teeth, the testosterone, I’m sorry I just can’t get on board with her. Is it just me or did they quickly run out of things to talk about? And did I really hear him say crow’s feet? The awkward silence finally comes to an end. Their evening involves a dinner where all cowpoke go to die. A remote looking cabin with less than stellar decor. Nonetheless, they sit for dinner. Rose looming. The flower, not the middle name. 
Back at the resort, the group date card arrives. Kacie really wants to be on it even though she’d rather have alone time. Again with the weakness.
Jamie
Casey
Mr. Ed/Hook
Lindzi
Sammy Sash
Nicki
Kacie
Weird upper lip Courtney, the “model”
Let’s See if You’re a Great Catch. Gee what ever could that mean?
Back to the uncomfortable dinner. Ben begins what appears to be the kiss of death speech. Rachel points out the heat of those flames cracking in the background. She jumps into a speech about something - not sure what at this point - being something she has failed at in past relationships. Ben interjects to ask what this mystery thing is. Communication. Ya think? 
Rachel: Ben if you want to know something just ask. I struggle with the communication thing, but I’m really honest.
Ben: So tell me something personal.
Rachel: I like mayonnaise on my fries.
Ben: This is so painfully boring. How about we talk about that beaver dam.
Rachel: Ahhhyeeeeahhh. You said beaver.
Ben: At least you’re paying attention. Seriously though, tell me something more personal. What has been your biggest heartbreak?
Rachel: Is there a piercing parlor around here?
Ben: Seriously, middle name rose, I’m trying to communicate. What’s your deal?
Rachel: Do you watch the Real Housewives of BH? Isn’t that Mauricio a hunk?!
Ben: Are you kidding me. Do you even see this rose?
Rachel: Hey that’s my middle name!
Ben: Omgosh I know this! Focus, woman. Did you have fun today out on the lake?
Rachel: I used to have a Strawberry Shortcake life vest. I wore it even when I wasn’t swimming because I loved it so much. OH OH OH and there was this one time at the city pool when I peed, and and.......
Ben: Just shut up. Even though this is about the most discombobulated date I’ve ever been on, and even though I don’t like all of the metal in your head, I’m going to give you this rose. I’m not sure why, but here it is. Do you want it?
Rachel: Yep. Next time, I have a band camp story for you! Now let’s go make some S’mores.
Groupppp daaaate tiiiiime. Always entertaining. The girls get a taste of the great outdoors. We quickly establish that Ben isn’t exactly a trained equestrian, as indicated by the sheer fright on his face as his horse trudged through the creek. Lindzi our little horseback rider did not wear boots. Most confusing element of this date. Sammy Sash expresses her terror (I feel you girl!) of riding a horse and Courtney warns everyone to watch out for poop. What exactly does she think will happen if a horse steps in a pile? The girls reach their destination. Fly fishing. Courtney fist pumps and says yayy. Sarcasm much? Ben makes his way to Kacie. And in a shocking turn of events, we get to see Courtney’s famous double-edge sword and super sharp tongue. She thinks Kacie is cute and sweet and kindof annoying. She spews all sorts of delusional nonsensical claims about the other girls being jealous and such. Sooo ready for this she-devil to go home! How did that idiot catch a fish. I’m not gonna lie, she really does seem truly dumb. In the truest sense of the word. Like can’t coherently string a sentence together, has no words over 5 letters in her vocabulary, completely lacking social skills dumb. That fishing trip couldn’t have ended soon enough.
After they retire to the pool area, Casey is the first to get a moment alone. I’m not sure what was said because I couldn’t stop trying to figure out if she was wearing a pink bra or if she had a pink bikini on underneath that sheer top. Then Nicki comes along. I’m not sure why conversation always gets heavy with this group of girls, but she starts in about her dead boss. That leads Ben to talk about his dead friend. And in walks perky little Sammy Sash to throw some spirit into the night. And by spirit, I mean tension. She proceeds to nag him about not getting enough time with him. It takes some nerve to grill him about only taking her on group dates as opposed to one-on-ones. He’ll be having NONE of that tone, young lady. He sends Sammy and her sash packing. I get the feeling she’s not used to rejection. Maybe she’ll be humbled by this. Home to prance around in her tiara until her self-esteem rebounds. Lame. I’ve always wondered what makes these girls think that any guy, especially one with 25 women fawning over him at the same time, will stop and take notice of a jealous catty hostile woman who puts a man on the spot for not giving her enough attention. I feel the need to submit an article to Cosmo on this topic.
Date card time. Jennifer. Let’s Pick Our Love Song dot dot dot. A man after my own heart with the dot dot dot. 
Ben escorts Kacie to his suite, where he reassures her that he has feelings for her. That’s all she needs. She’s happy again...AND she gets the kiss he deprived her of in the river earlier. On the couch. Love in an elevator. Whatever it takes.
We cut to Courtney sitting alone on the outdoor furniture awaiting some alone time. She finally gets it, of course. ABC must think about ratings. She points out again that she caught a fish. Does she need a trophy of some sort to shut her up. Then they kiss. Just before she starts in. It’s the night of the whining. Now we get to hear her sad song about three being a crowd and losing sight of things and so on and so forth and gahhhhh! Is this a game? I’m hearing her tell him he has a bunch of great girls here. I’m running out of words for this girl. She hates every girl there. She has nothing good to say. Yet she tells Ben the opposite. How do you describe a girl like this? Female Bentley. But without the good looks, charm, wit & humor. Courtney did the song and dance thing to tug at his heart strings, and it got her the rose. While the other girls sit and chat and watch their hair increase in volume tenfold, Ben comes to get the rose. He awards it to the sociopath. I have no more words. Just anger.
Ben comes to pick up Jennifer. Courtney’s prediction: she doesn’t know that Jennifer will get a rose tonight. Does Courtney know what an actual prediction is? Somebody buy this tart a dictionary. Moving on. Ben and Jennifer trek up a mountain side for a short jaunt to a fenced in area with a No Trespassing sign. They throw caution to the wind and cross over anyway to find a crater awaiting them. He informs her that she will be spelunking in a little yellow bikini. She’s ok with that. Thanks to the mountain breeze and a uniform part, we now know that Jennifer's vivid locks are from a bottle. Which raises even more questions about the superfluousness of that hue. Regardless, he likes her. Primarily for her canoodling abilities.
Back at Canyons, the sane girls sit and dish on crazy Courtney. In the midst of it, our resident sociopath saunters in attempting to ingrain intimidation in the other, less-deserving, women she detests who she also finds great when Ben is around.
Meanwhile, Ben and red plunge to the bottom of a crater for some serene togetherness and, predictably, some kissing. They later hopped aboard a ski lift to take in the panorama under the Utah sky. As they settle in to their romantic dinner, storm clouds move in and it starts to rain and rumble. They break into song with some Garth Brooks Thunder Rolls. Not really, but I sure did.
The girls are assessing, and possibly taking bets on, the likelihood that Ben will keep red around. Blakeley is foiling Emily in the bathroom. Did I miss something? I didn’t know she had a day job as a hair stylist. Elyse and Monica are perched on the counter joining in on the Courtney bashing. I haven’t seen a more hated contestant since Miss Money...and even she had a few friends.
Needless to say, red gets the wet rose. She also gets more kisses and another ride on ski lift slash gondola. They then see the great Clay Walker. They dance as Ben lip syncs, before making their way to the front to slow it down a little while women around them eerily glare. In that moment, nobody else exists...except for the creepers all up in their slow-dance biznass.
Stormy cocktail party time. Woohoo. I’d like to begin with props to Kacie for her stunning earrings! He first pulls Monica (who I perplexingly no longer hate or even dislike) aside. However we don’t see any of that conversation. They must have talked about the weather or the quality of tequila the barkeep was offering up. Anyway, we move on to Emily’s alone time. She does exactly what you should NEVER.EVER do on this show. She spent her valuable alone time talking about someone else. Granted, I agree with everything she said and feels. BUT you don’t win a race by focusing on your opponent. Attempts at sabotage rarely end well... especially on this show. I think she may have shot herself in the foot but we’ll see.
And as for the Courtney-bashing, what the heck with Casey? This is out of nowhere. Editing has played some dirty tricks on us I guess, because I’ve never seen anyone interacting or forming a bond with the kookoo “model” Courtney. But Casey just threw us a screwball. She slipped further down my list because of it. She’s apparently not the sharpest knife in the drawer not to pick up on Courtney’s flaws. And after Emily spilled, what did Casey do? Ran straight to Courtney to stir the pot. Really Casey? You’ve known these girls for all of what, 2-3 weeks? And you’re stirring it up? Ugh. What an asinine move to start a shiznat storm of drama! Casey rapidly jumped from simply vapid to vapid & utterly imbecile in my book.
When did the rain turn to snow? I’m confused. Oh well. Nicki gets to go out in the snow with Ben. Since I love - I mean REALLY love - snow, this is so cool to me. You can clearly see that their connection is still there.
Downstairs, Courtney sits by the fire in the main room...still whining about the fact that Emily is talking about her. So let me get this straight. Courtney is judging Emily for talking so much crap about her....while Courtney sits and talks crap about Emily. Ok that makes perfect sense. *insert sarcasm here* Yes, Emily screwed up by talking about Courtney to Ben. But seriously, Courtney is evil. She’s hateful, back-biting, petty, juvenile, unsophisticated and mean, plain and simple. Everyone watching the show can see it now. Especially after her little scene in front of the group. The inappropriate laughing. The cat claws. The winning statement. The gloating about the rose. Speaking of which, I must mention her “moment” with her rose in her interview clip. I rewound and watched again to make sure I really saw what I thought I saw.

"OH! I have a rose. Emily doesn't."

Yep. That happened!

Enter Harrison. Ting ting ting. Sorry to interrupt. It’s time to give out some roses.
Lindzi - No brainer.
Jamie - Whew! Worry no more. Now give her a one on one!
Nicki - Our snow bunny scores a rose.
Kacie - Was there ever any doubt!
Elyse - She flew under the radar this week, but she rubbed the back of his neck and told him he won’t regret giving her a rose. I’m calling it right now. She gets a one-on-one next week so that he can explore this promise of hers.
Hook - She flew under the radar and did not irritate me this week. What does this mean?
Casey - Curses!
Emily - Did you see the look on Courtney’s face. Priceless.
We bid adieu to our girl Monica. She turned out to be a little less crazy than I thought. I was starting to like her. Although Ben obviously wasn’t. Her limo interview showed a little more emotion than I thought she had in her. At this point, my focus is on outing Courtney. But somehow, I feel she sticks around for a while. I am definitely banking on the hope that although Emily’s plan to out Courtney backfired, maybe the seed is planted in Ben’s mind. If he’ll just open his eyes and see past this beauty in Courtney’s appearance that others speak of (which I personally don’t see) he will end up noticing some of the stuff everyone else sees. Everyone except for Casey, anyway.
Next week Vieques, Puerto Rico. Courtney was just there 2 months ago. AND she can raise her glass higher than anyone.
Previews for next week show lots of fun, lots of sun, lots of romance, lots of yacht & unfortunately lots of skin. Gross. For an entire week, we are left to ponder why Emily didn’t learn her lesson after this week’s botched attempt at sabotage. She was one of my early favorites, but if we are to spend every week watching her complain about another girl to Ben, I’m over her. I’m all about the catty comments kept inside the house because it makes for good drama, but I cannot stand to watch girls moan and groan to the Bachelor. Same old same old “she’s different around you than she is with us” speech we’ve seen so many times before.
Get out your coconuts and umbrella straws, people. Next week we go tropical!
Until then, my lovelies.

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