The show begins with the girls all-too-happy plane ride to Sonoma, CA. Then a nostalgic trip through Ben’s past. Such sweet family pictures.
The girls pull up in vintage old cars. The girls are so thrilled to see Ben in his element.
Very first date card of the season: Kacie. Yay! Of course we see a clip of Courtney already hatin’ on my girl Kacie B. Two words - eat it. Kacie all dressed in her shortie shorts and cute little striped three quarter sleeve tee with riding boots, perfectly accessorized. Seriously could she BEEEE any cuter. She gets a tour of his hometown and all its quaint history. Girl, I love the Kermit lunch box. She surprises him with her baton twirling skills, and by skills I DO mean skills. Girlfriend knows something about baton twirling. Cheesy so it may be, but for some reason the whole scene made me smile. On to some sweet dinner conversation in a cozy little restaurant/wine bar. She stole his heart by asking for conversation about his Dad. Everyone who knows anything about Benny-Boo knows he completely loved his Dad and misses him with a passion. So he must be enamored with her at this point.
Back at the house, long faced barefoot (where the heck are your Loubs, gf?!) Jaclyn answers the door for the date card...
Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jamie, Nicki, Jaclyn - “Come play with me”. Mr. Ed Blakeley is the first to make catty comments about “knocking somebody out” if they get in her way. Surprising? Not.
Resuming the date: Ben pulls out the rose and gives sweet Kacie the shpeel about how the show worked for him before so he hopes it works again. Does she get the rose? But of course. I feel like she is an early favorite for Benny. They head off to the gorgeous Sebastiani Theatre for a private showing of old home movies. Kacie’s childhood is touching, light-hearted and sweet. Ben’s are just downright moving. He was brought to tears. She was brought to tears. I was brought to tears. Stellar date.
Group date time. First of all, what in the holy hades was Blakeley wearing? A one piece swimsuit from 1948? Or something that would earn someone from an earlier era a scarlet letter? How about Granny’s girl with a dress ripped straight off a highway worker’s jacket. And then there’s Nicki. Oh so pretty. Oh so stylish. I didn’t know Jennifer’s hair could get any redder, but apparently she consulted with Raggedy Ann this past week to find a brighter mono-red. I admit I’m not Rachel Zoe, but bright red shirt with dark red hair? C’mon Jenn even you have to know that’s hideous.
Ok, cattiness aside, here we go. They proceed to audition in front of a group of precious little pint-size playwrights. Each girl is called up on stage to perform what is asked of them. The adorable Nicki is asked to do a “sexy” dance. She shows off her flawless sprinkler. You go, girl! OMGosh could she possibly be more lovable! I’m being for real when I say I adore this girl. Moving on with the auditions. The little freckle-faced girl with the blue shirt and friendship necklace...I freakin’ loved her comment regarding Blakeley. She said, “That girl with the... uhhh... they’re like... I wasn’t a fan of her.” Up high, sister!
Back at the house, Courtney causes more irritation. Her ego is honestly making me ill. I’m having a physical reaction to her repulsiveness.
Moving on. The play. Sir Ben and all of his lady characters take the stage for an awesome production of Bachelorville. Really cute. Faithful readers will know what I mean when I say 38 MINUTES!! Who knew. Benny-boo workin’ the sheep costume - or lack thereof, ya knowwhutumsayyyyin. Jaw-dropping body, yo. Props to all the girls for entertaining the kiddies. That’s what it’s all about.
Time to retire to the patio for candlelight and bubbly. So far, no claws. But leave it to aggressive Blakeley to start the shiitake mushrooms. Stirrin’ it up, hooker style. Why must she be so arrogant? Ok yeah she’s a little bit hot, or a lot hot, but does she honestly believe she’s the only girl there with appeal? Gahhhh. Samantha finally gets fed up and goes to hide. She probably could’ve chosen a better place than the porcelain throne, but nonetheless.
Date card #3. Sweet Kacie grabs it to read to the other girls. And so begins the sneak peek clip I posted prior to this episode. The weird girl presumably jacked up on pills flaunts her narcissism again. Really, Courtney? Is your mirror rose-colored? And ok again, WHAT THE HELLEN KELLER is wrong with her upper lip?!
Back to the group date. Chicken fights in bikinis. Ben is hating this, right? Blakeley sits along on the outer rim of the pool hoping to lure him in by gently caressing her wine glass and allowing her built-in flotation devices to surface. Ben goes for a non-romantic dip in the hot tub with red. Their kiss clicks echo, causing me to be turned off by this scene. That finally ends and we progress to Blakeley...again. Is it just me or is this the Blakeley show? I’m actually tired of typing her name, so let’s from now on refer to her as Hook. Yeah like short for hooker. Hook. I like that. Anyhoo, so Hook goes back to the pool to try and seduce him...again. Ya know, because all Scorpios are such great lovers and kissers. I mean, astrological signs and all that crap. It’s so accurate. Well she gets her wish. She loves the whole exhibitionist thing, so she put on a show for the girls creeping in the shadows.
Best line of the night -
Jaclyn: Blakeley is super fakeley. It might work. It’s a quick and easy - PUN INTENDED - way to get a man’s attention. Here I am. Take me.
Haha. Pun intended. Good one. Couldn’t have said it better myself, Jackie. And by the way, where are your smokin’ hot shoes?
Time for the rose. Oh gosh. I’m so nervous. I really sense it’s going to be Hook, I mean Fakeley, I mean Blakeley. I’m scared. Holy shish-kebob, you’ve GOT to be kidding. Here’s a great example of when I hate to be right. Many of the other girls feel as I do, acting out because of their contempt for her. Hook mistakenly views that as jealousy. Classic egomaniacal behavior.
Courtney’s date. Apparently Benny is thrown off by the title of model. I have news for him. If by model, she means narcissistic kookoo bia, then yes she’s absolutely a model. They take to the countryside. She pretends to be smitten with the redwood trees and with Eddie, I mean Scotch. This knock-kneed girls seems to have no sense. They chat waterside with a picnic basket and some wine. She doesn’t flaunt the fact that she can eat corn on the cob through a chain link fence. Way to be modest, Courts! Night falls and they hop aboard a tractor in the vineyards. Secretly I’m laughing at how things are going so far. I personally think it’s charming, however I know she scoffs at the whole country living thing. Therefore, I laugh. I borderline Monica-kackle at the whole date so far. They come upon their candlelight table under a huge gorgeous tree. More wine is waiting on them. Hmm. Is Ben having to kill the pain with fermented grapes? I like to think so. She tells him she wants to know more about him...
Ben says: I went to school at University of Arizona, and I ended up taking a job in internet advertising.
Courtney hears: Wow you are really amazing and your chocolate brown locks look beautiful blowing in the wind. I bet you would look great on the internet.
Ben says: I had money. I was young. I partied and traveled as an escape.
Courtney hears: I want to give you money and party with you. Then we can escape these other women by traveling.
Ben says: Doing the Bachelorette opened me up and I rediscovered myself. It was cathartic.
Courtney hears: You’re my favorite bachelorette. I’ve discovered what a real woman is. I wanna make out until I’m lethargic.
Ben continues to reveal his feelings and she listens to the crickets and says some things about dating an actor and partying in Hollywood. That might have been code for dated Ron Jeremy when she worked Hollywood and Vine. Was that mean? Shame on me. She gets the rose regardless of her thespian talents. I really can’t even take this girl seriously. Nothing seems real. It’s all for show. She thinks she is actress material. Seriously. Adopt that theory and you will see it. Plain as the overbite on her face. By the way, what’s wrong with her upper lip?
Cocktail party. Yay. Love cocktail parties. Lindzi gets alone time. She is reassured that he is attracted to her. She reveals she’s a pickup truck girl who normally wears dirt instead of makeup. Hard to believe based on the one-shoulder stunning dress and nude heels she is rocking.
Samantha tries to get some alone time and who busts in?? Yep, the girl who already has a rose. Hook, herself. Then Erika finds herself being intruded upon by the same loser. Overkill much?
Jenna gets alone time. She begins by nonchalantly feeding her pyromania tendencies. Oh goodness. Train wreck waiting to happen? Judging by her never-ending stream of illiterate sentence fragments about being a man. Or rather, not being a girl. Whaa?? Wow thank you Jaclyn for interruping that succession of drunken slurs. “it’s upsettingme lee like idunno. i donwanna gohome so imheadamoveon. idun rully want to. *sniff* jumblemewordybank i’m surry.” Girl needs 12 steps. Or shall I say, “Gurrrrneeee twoov sups.”
Shoutout to Jaclyn for throwing motorboat into the conversation. Hoorah, Amen and Hallelujah! Normally I might feel sorry for the girl sitting in a corner crying while the other girls laugh and make fun of her. But not this time, my friends. This fakeley fully deserves what is coming to her. If you’re gonna be a bitty, you gotta own that stuff. Don’t pretend to be all confident and then go crumble in a corner in a drunken stooper. Maybe the wet bar is a little too accommodating, ya think? Then he finds Jenna under the covers sniffing around like a bulldog with a head cold. The clock shows 2am. Good grief, anyone would be delusional I guess. Hey let’s keep the girls up until the wee hours of the morning and see who can stay awake and keep their composure. I must say, I’m a little disappointed that Jenna and Monica didn’t give us a show tonight, though.
Jennifer - Must be the foogly head of hair.
Emily - I must say, without the rapping I do like this girl.
Elyse - Whew! I was worried. I like this beauty.
Jaclyn - Not my fave, but I like her mean girl streak. Motorboat. Tehe
Erika - Little surprised, gotta say.
Rachel - Really? Still working that middle name thing? And doesn’t she have a hint of a penis?
Lindzi - Oh yay.
Nicki - Well it’s about time, Benny-boo! She’s a keeper!
Casey - I kinda wanted more of her.
Samantha - Woohoo, cat fight awaits. Sammy Sash vs. Hook!
Monica - Why didn’t she give us drama tonight?
Jamie - I can breathe again!
Brittney - Really? Oh my gosh have you met Shawn?
Say your goodbyes:
Shawn - So sad.
Jenna - Back to crazytown for this blogging alcoholic. She’s off to share tampons and freshen up those highlights. And her exit interview - She feels sick. She can’t believe it. She’s mortified. And the Oscar goes to...... the girl who’s blog is now getting millions of hits. Ben who?
Today I said I was stoked about tonight’s drama. Whew. Exhausting. Watch what you wish for!
Next week, San Fran. A mystery girl. A fainting spell. I can hardly wait to find out who she is! Until next week, folks.