Episode 3 - Drama in San Fran

The opening scene shows us the beauty that is San Francisco. Gorgeous city, and soooo on my “leap list” of places to visit.

Ben sits down for a chat with his sister. I’m always a sucker for a guy who loves his sister! He progresses to begin naming girls he believes will have a rapport with her and their Mom. As he tells her about Courtney and how they would hit it off because Courtney is drama-free. HOLD THE PHONE. Did he say drama free? I almost choked on the words themselves.

Back to the hotel. The girls are taken aback at the beauty of the city by the bay. All is well in the suite. Alas but not for long. Chris makes an appearance to explain the one-on-one and group date situations, and to leave the first date card. Chris doesn’t even have the door completely shut before Elyse hops up to read it. Emily - “Love Lifts Us Up.” She sees heights in her near future. What is she going to wear? What will they be doing? Does it involve high places? Will she pee herself? It's no surprise that catty Courtney shows her colors in her interview clip where she says “book smart can be a little boring.” I’m pretty sure that is code for: “I have an IQ of 27”...and I’m being generous here. Forrest Gump once beat her in a game of Scrabble... or was it Jr. Pictionary? Either way. Stupid is as stupid does. By the way, her upper lip...never mind.

Moving on.

Emily’s big date. A climb to the top of the Bay Bridge. Now I’m no expert in thrill-seeking, but this isn’t exactly my idea of a great date. A couple of metal hooks and some neon suspenders separating them from a plunge to their untimely demise. No thanks. If you need an entourage of professionals in hardhats to assist in your date, well, as they say - here’s your sign.

From the suite telescope (you know, because all hotel rooms have telescopes), Jennifer “coincidentally” spots them climbing the bridge railing. The girls pretend to be concerned, while being secretly jealous, while mentally sabotaging the climb, while pretending to be happy for her. Wonder if they also saw the awkward kiss from high atop the bridge. I’m all about the romance, people. But in that situation, kissing would be the LAST thing on my mind. More like Pearly Gates, final prayers & sweaty palms kind of stuff.

Dinner time. Kudos to ABC for the romantic little table on the pier by the bay. One question though - why are Ben’s lips glistening? Anyhoo, quiet conversation about his rejected proposal to the gravy potato eater. She moves on to a story about online dating. She tells him she posted some nude overly-attractive pictures of herself. Apparently she forgot to include in her match dot com bio that she’d rather not share DNA with anyone. Her first match? ”Peter” aka DNA-sharing brother. Awwwkwarrrrd. More date conversation. Blah blah blah. Man, seriously, those lips are so shiny. 

Back at the suite, the group date card:

Hooker

Jaclyn

Kacie B

Erika

Sammy Sash

Jamie

Monica

Rachel

Nicki

Elyse

and...... Casey S

“Let’s Cross Something Off Our Leap List”

Emily and Ben sit on the pier still, rose slash elephant looming. After he states that she is smarter than he, the rose becomes hers. Was there ever any doubt. Next a kiss under the fireworks. And bam. Shiny lips again. Seriously, what? Careful, Benny-boo. She’ll slide right off of those shimmery suckers.

Yay, group date time. There’s always drama on the group date! Wardrobe assessment:

Jamie decked out in the cutest belted sundress with super adorable wedges.

Rachel shopped at Dollar General for her attire.

It hurts my soul to say this, but Blakeley FINALLY looks cute...although her earrings and hair accessory = fail.

Poor Erika and her nursing home drapes.

Kacie looking stunning as usual.

Monica rolled out of bed, threw her hair in a pony & forgot to shed the red floral negligee.

Nicki looking a little too Nautica.

Black is definitely Elyse’s color!

Jaclyn’s romper, uhhh, the word pixelated springs to mind.

Sammy Sash is working the white, looking like a sore thumb.

And Casey. Poor Casey. She didn’t get the memo that Daisy Dukes left with Jessica Simpson. AND she paired those shorty shorts with a tight-fitting low cut tank top and a pair of chunky platform lace up heels. Somebody call Brad Goreski! This girl needs help.

They are going snow skiing. Huhh? In sunny San Fran?

They hop in their matching Honda CRVs and head out. The interior wallpaper (cool, by the way) switches from Rachel to Blakeley and what to my surprise?! Monica says she’d rather look at Rachel. A glimmer of hope in the once Blakeley-obsessed Amazonian with homoerotic tendencies. Maybe even SHE realizes that hook isn't a friendly girl.

They take off perusing the hilly streets. They pass by Joey & Uncle Jessie, and by Mrs. Doubtfire, before finding a snowy street. Well, hey, why don’t we all just strip down to our bikinis and snow ski. Now there’s a sentence not many get the opportunity to say. Ya think this was Ben’s idea? Ya think?

Anyway, they all bare some skin. Yes, even Ben. Ok, so he’s no Brad - but definitely worthy of a mention, so in the spirit of the countdown... 33 minutes, ladies! It’s really not fair that these girls are so smoothly sculpted. So that I don’t appear to be a hater, I must redeem myself. If I looked like that, I’d go snow skiing in a bikini too! And I’m being sooo for real. Sammy left her Daisies on, Jamie left her dress on, but Blakeley left very little to the imagination. One slip in the snow and that little ace bandage would have slipped right off. But then again, that may have been her goal. And goal #2: to entice him with the tat playing peek-a-boo from underneath her bikini bottom. Ok Blakeley we get it, you’re a VIP. That’s a capital V, capital I, capital P. I won’t even begin to disclose my translation of that acronym.

It’s so thoughtful of all of the creepers, both male and female, to look on from the sidewalks and windows, glaring and snapping pics that will no doubt be pasted all over Facebook. Whatever it takes to sneak a peak, right? Just when the inappropriate nature of the whole scene is beginning to irritate my gag reflex, a reprieve! Out came a barrage of collisions, falls, splits, jumps, face plants and a backwards butt ski...whatever that is. Some humor in the face of the obvious voyeurism from the rooftops. The disturbing, borderline softcore Cinemax material, snow scene was finally coming to a close.

The girls left behind at the hotel sit and wait on the next one-on-one date card. Who will it be? It’s Brittney, “Let’s Unlock Our Love With the Key to the City.” None too enthused, granny’s girl opens the case to find a key with an SF monogram. Cheese factor - through the roof. Out of nowhere, this girl gets her crocheted granny (pun intended) panties in a wad. She’s torn and confused. About what? What kind of spineless dull fuddy-duddy gets scared to go on a date on a DATING SHOW! I like her even less.

So by now, the ski bunnies have changed into their evening attire. They all sit around a gorgeous pool. He pulls Rachel aside. She leis him. Literally. Not sure where the lei comes into play, but oh well. Ben got lei’d by Rachel. The producers will have us think Kacie is getting insecure. I’m not falling for it, though. I am, however, disappointed in her for pulling the old “this is hard” line with a bachelor. I hate that line. Be strong, Kacie B. Pull it together, sister. Don’t let him see your weakness. But then, just when I think she’s throwing it in the crapper, she kisses him and switches gears. Atta girl.

Back at the suite, granny panties cries and whines about how her heart isn’t in this. She doesn’t want to compete with this many other girls. Oh good grief lose the grannies and strap on your big girl panties. Last I checked, it’s kindof obvious from the beginning that there will be other girls. Ugh, anyway. So just as Hook is doing the woe-is-me thing about how they all hate her and they’re all jealous, and just before I threw something THROUGH the tv, here comes whiny britches to save Ben from the horror of that god-awful conversation. From one terrible convo to another. Geez these girls are killing me tonight. So granny’s girl breaks the news. He’s not too heart-broken. Neither am I. Was she ever even in it for the “right” reasons? Won’t granny Sheryl be disappointed? Did she really say eKspecially? Without skipping a beat, Ben awards the rose to Rachel. Although I can’t figure out why Monica was crying.

Time for the second fiddle one-on-one, my girl Lindzi. Sooo loving her fab shoes. They ride a trolly (who else was hearing Vince Vaughn saying “hold on. angel crossing”) to city hall. A private concert with Matt Nathanson was a nice touch. A password-please hole in the wall reminiscent of the 1920s was an even nicer touch. I was waiting on them to run into Scooby and Shaggy in those secret passageways. She tells him about the text from her ex DB of a BF... “babe welcome to dumpsville population YOU.” Whaa? Who does that? Whatevs. After they kick it at Bourbon and Branch they head off to a piano store, complete with candlelight and a beautiful grand piano. Who knew Benny-boo could tickle the ivories. And what did he play but “This Year’s Love.” I melted.

Then the drama begins to unfold. We see the creepy mystery lady in her Honda rolling up a remote highway, then crossing into San Fran, giving Chris a heads up that she’s headed to see Ben. Unsuspecting, the girls retire to the rooftop for one of the most beautiful cocktail parties I’ve ever seen. One question - WHO is going to bite the bullet and tell Jennifer that red dresses (especially coupled with hot pink) do not go with red hair? Seriously, somebody tell her. Oh well, at least she’s the best kisser in the house. The girls toast. Upperlip, of ALL people, toasts to a drama-free night. Ok, Forrest. Easy now.

Ben immediately jumps into alone time with red so he could get some more of her slobbery kisses. Our mystery girl, who we now know is Shawntel, arrives. Nicki successfully instigates a little guessing game which Ben obviously enjoys, and whose insecurities shine through while watching? None other than the shrew, herself. Courtlip. Did she actually say “bless her little heart” about Nicki? Right before claiming Nicki looks like an idiot? Well holy mother of Lieutenant Dan. Now THAT’S some nerve. Then she proceeds to bash Hook, claim Ben needs to “trim the fat” & falseley and out of nowhere accuses Lindzi of making faces, all before exiting the room leaving the girls dumbfounded. Thanks for that weirdness, Sybil. She does get her alone time, though. Shallow conversation, cold hands, colder kisses... the only thing missing was a check yes or no note along with the “you like me?” question. Do adults really say that? Well I guess life is like a box of chocolates...

Shawntel walks through the room and jaws drop, pulses race, profanities fly. Here comes turmoil in a red dress. She goes straight through to Elyse’s alone time and puts the kibosh on that in a hurry. She proceeds to throw Ben a curve ball by letting him know she wants a chance. He then introduces Shawntel to the firing squad. She gets grilled and nobody is happy, including myself. In keeping it clean, WHO THE HECK does she think she is? I’d love to give Elyse a high five for her devilish looks. I thoroughly enjoyed watching these girls rip her a new one. I heard “creeper” and “drain blood for a living” during the trash session. Hahahaaaaayeah. Vein drain. We got to see Courtney cry. Woohoo. Call me heartless, but I reveled in that moment.

On to the rose ceremony. I think it was obvious to everyone that this would come down to the final rose. They’ll save Shawntel for last. Initial recipients included:

Courtney - Ugh. Gahhh. Bleck. And the idiot threw some jabs his way along with a “what’s her butt”. Ok wow. Run Forrest Run.

Kacie - Was there ever a doubt?

Elyse - Fantastic. I like her more each episode.

Jamie - She needs alone time next week, Ben! She’s fading.

Jennifer - He just wants more kisses.

Casey S - She isn’t even on the radar yet.

Hook - It was the ace bandage.

Monica - She actually looked pretty tonight. Still a side of crazy though.

Nicki - Sweetheart stays.

Sammy Sash - I don’t even know what to say.

It’s final rose time and we have a fainter. Oddest moment in Bachelor history. I’ve never seen someone so patently hanging on by a thread. This girl was like a leaning tower of blocks. The rose goes to no one. Emily was like the cat that ate the canary. I have to admit, I was pleasantly in shock too. I thought sure that Shawntel would get it. But nope. Home to drain some people. Even as I say it, I’m creeped out. Ick. She gets the boot. In the words of the one without a clue, “Sayonara.” Awesome ending!

Next week - Utah. Adventure. Horseback riding. Makeout sessions with Hook and with Forrest. Gross. And if I’m not mistaken, he sends Nicki home in a black SUV. I hope I’m wrong, but I’m afraid I’m dead on. More Courtney drama. Oh geez Ben, kick her to the curb. I’m afraid she’s in it for the long haul, though. Or at least until the episode with the skinny dipping, for I feel she is the trollop baring it all in that scene we’ve seen preview.

Until next week, my friends. I leave you with something to make you feel better about yourself...