Episode 5, White Linen and Crying in Baseball

Vieques Island, Puerto Rico. Brad reveals that everyone gets a date this week. That’s great news. Wouldn’t want the beautiful island atmosphere to be lost on anyone...except for Courtney, that is. Not surprisingly, the first 2 minutes showcased Emily talking about weird lip and weird lip talking about Emily. Last week’s drama suddenly came crashing back to me. Please. Not again!

Harrison walks in with his swagger on, pulls the ladies - and Courtney - outside, and explains the date situation. An incredible week with some amazing stuff lined up. 3 dates. One group, 2 one-on-ones. (By the way, when will the 2-on-ones begin?) Anyhoo, everyone gets time with Ben this week. Who else noticed Court’s shirt? It said “Be Nice.” Just sayin.

Date card number one. Nicki, [something about new love] San Juan. Nicki picked the perfect island dress for this date. Not sure about the wedges she accessorized with, but she’s beautiful still. Ben looks dapper in his bright shirt. She’s super stoked about getting a heli ride. Because, you know, that just rarely happens on this show. They take in the scenery. He finds it “rad.” Excuse me, Benny, the 80s called and they want their slang back. Their first stop is at a street vendor where they purchase a conspicuously shaped piragua, which quickly fell apart when they were assaulted by a downpour. Buzzkill? Maybe. Fun? Yep. Although I’m not quite sure why it was just raining cats (i.e. gatos) instead of cats AND dogs. What happens to the dogs in Puerto Rico? Anyhoo. They go to buy dry clothes. She goes straight to the white dress rack. Just as I’m thinking, “Nooooo” she redeems herself with a very colorful tablecloth-inspired number that won’t win her a wet t-shirt contest. However, it could double an oversized snot-ridden hankie peeking out of an old man’s pocket. Ben, on the other hand, errr ummm, well he went more for a look reminiscent of a Columbian pimp slash Temple of Doom doctor in his white linen getup. Oh Benny Boo, shame shame.

After they coincidentally stumble upon a wedding in progress, we move on to the evening. Thankfully they have clean hair and fresh clothes, but she forgot to remove that pesky yellow polish that matches nothing she has on. They sip their Riesling and try to make sense of this thing called marriage. Ben is a little curious about why she ended up divorced. And by a little, I mean a lot. He had a few questions for her. Did that wedding today give you warm fuzzies or does it make you want to stab your eyeballs? Why did you only last 2 years? Did you talk to Dr. Jamie from Brad’s season to try and work through your problems? Do you leave your panties hanging in the shower? Oh, am I getting too personal?

Back at the villa, the girls discuss who deserves a date more. Just as Blakeley and Elyse are strapping on their boxing gloves, the group date card arrives. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie, Emily, Rachel, Casey, Jamie, Blakeley. That leaves our little exotic princess Elyse for the final one-on-one. Time to make good on that promise from last week.

We resume evening chat with Ben and Nicki. He showers her with compliments, he gives her the rose, they kiss...a lot. Ocean waves beating against the shore behind them. Life is good in Nicki’s world. Plus she no longer has to look at Ben in that god-awful hat. Aces.

Time for the group date. Those diamonds spoken about on the group date card...in reference to a baseball diamond. Oopsie girls, no ice for you. I personally am loving the baseball date though! Harrison shows up with his bullhorn. Ladies, bring it in. This is the most we’ve seen him in one show all season. Judging by his swagtastic 3rd degree sunburn, I’m pretty sure he left his SPF 40 back in the states. He lets the girls know that some of them will be getting more time than the others. Time to split up into teams for a not-so-friendly game of hard ball. 

The red team: Courtney, Kacie, Casey, Jamie

The blue team: Blakeley, Emily, Jennifer, Rachel

Lucky Lindzi is playing for both teams, literally not figuratively. Ok, so it is painfully obvious that wardrobe is staffed with all men. These girls get dressed up in cute little clothes while Ben is stuck wearing a corny uniform circa 1927, 8 sizes too large. The red team starts off with a bang. 5 runs. The competition rapidly gets heated. Bottom of the first, Ben “mistakenly” makes a throwing error to blue team’s benefit. They score 3 runs. Red scores one more. It’s 6 to 3 in the bottom of the 2nd. Blue scores 3 to tie it. We hear lines like:

Who knew strippers could play baseball?

Defense your *** off!

B****ES!

These girls are serious about some baseball. I find myself oddly into the game. Blakeley displays some athleticism, Courtney and Casey display a lack thereof, and Kacie reveals her sailor mouth. Extra inning time. Emotions are high. They’re doing some Dixie League chanting from the field. Balls are flying everywhere. Yes I said it. Next thing you know, it’s the 5th inning. Eye black is everywhere. The girls are sweaty and out of breath. Tensions are high. Blue is down by one. Jennifer is up to bat, and dang it if a big K didn’t end the blue team’s luck right there on the spot. Somehow I found myself disappointed for Blakeley. Simply because she was on the opposite team as weird lip. It’s like rooting for whoever the Cubs are playing. I root for whoever weird lip is playing. Hateful unscrupulous shrew. The bus ride home was a bit emotional. The girls were feeling so dejected I couldn’t even bring myself to make fun of the tears flowing through the smudged eye black.

As we watch him spend a little time with each girl on the winning team, we also get to watch Courtlip’s catty and spiteful interview clips. Shocker. WHY is she so insufferable! What the heck is going on with Kacie’s hair? Is it trying to retract into her scalp? Where do these curls come from?

Moving on. Kacie gets the rose and Courtlip immediately grabs him away. He awkwardly  and uncomfortably says yes. They walk along the beach. Ben draws tally marks in the sand for every time she uses the word like. I hope he kept count because I sure couldn’t. And so begins the prelude to the moment that has made my skin crawl all week. It begins with a skinny dipping proposition. Shwing. Ben ponders the ramifications of getting naked before overnights. Courtlip harbors some serious feelings of arousal.

Date time for Elyse. Let’s find love somewhere private, dot dot dot. The coral coverup is very striking against her pretty brown skin, but the huge gold earrings and the animal print bikini strings scream Snooki. However, I just have to point out that this girl has some amazing stems! Good gracious what I wouldn’t give for those! Ok there’s my two cents. She gets a ride on a yacht. Ah-maaaa-zing. So far, my favorite date excursion of the season. Way cool. The boat ride begins with their very own Jack and Rose moment at the bow of the boat. I’ll never let go. Then they get cozy on the upper deck as they sip champagne and engage in small talk. She makes one little statement that caught Benny’s attention, “I’ve done everything I wanted to do.” She proceeds to tell him she quit her job and she missed her BFF’s wedding. Oh and let’s just get married right here and now. This pressure drives our gun-shy wine maker to jumping off the boat. Then back to the bow. Near... far... wherever you are...

The evening brings a romantic (so you would think) dinner on the beach. Romantic, except for the elephant in the room, aka the rose. Not Jack’s rose, but the actual rose. He cannot get past the statement about her having accomplished all she wanted to. What a cowardly way out. Digging at her for an innocent statement she made 6 hours ago. Then she gets flack for saying she’s sick of being single. I’m a little aggravated that he’s spending his time digging instead of getting to know her better. He picks up the rose, even though he has no intention of giving it to her. She gets the ax instead of the rose. Which begs the question, why did he pick it up and tease her with it? And WHY would she be sent off in a motorized raft? Really? Then “This Year’s Love” to rub salt in the wound. Somewhere Elyse is watching and sobbing all over again. And Courtlip is trying to figure out how to dig that rose out of the ocean.

Ben makes his way back to his empty room. His creeper is waiting in the stairwell with a bottle of wine, 2 glasses and some drunk talk. Then again, all of her talk sounds like drunk talk. She tries to find a way to articulate her desire for the skinny dip, but ends up sounding dumb...again. One question - did she REALLY pull her robe apart to reveal her cleavage? Right there in front of his face. Did she? And did she really speak in innuendo all the way to the beach? Did he really NOT know she was going “full nude”? Did she really take it all off and practically use the words come and get it? Did he really take his skivvies off? Are we sure sunshine is all she's sprinkling around? If I continue this rant, my words may become inappropriate. I just hope that salt water isn't seeping into any open wounds or rashes or such. Farewell, tawdry topic.

Cocktail party time. Our resident skinny dipping tart feels confident she has it in the bag. Her dastardly comments are intended to irritate the other girls. I feel certain they are a bit beyond irritated as they watch it all back now, knowing they were completely oblivious at the time to just how vile this queen of insolence really is. Already looking forward to the women tell all episode! Cat fight. Jennifer pulls him aside. He uses the word rad again. We are subjected to some tongue action which I, for one, could’ve done without. Blakeley gets herself some alone time and opens up. Somehow, I am liking her. She really does like him, mostly because she’s unaware of the one-nighter he’s coming off of.

Emily gets more alone time. She warms my heart initially by saying that she is going to drop the whole Courtney thing. Sadly, that is just her segue into more ranting about Courtney. Ok, I liked her before but not so much now. Over it!

Here come the roses. Chris’ hair fluffier than ever. Kacie’s hair curlier than ever. Dang that tropical air!

Recipients:

Lindzi -  Like her a lot but a little over the shoulder shrug thing at each rose ceremony. Glad she’s in though.

Jamie - I sure wish she’d get more time with him.

Rachel - Gets more confusing each week. Wonder if she’s team Edward or Jacob?

Tartney - Gaggggggg

Casey - Why?

Blakeley - Breathe, baby, breathe.

Emily - Wow. They clearly made him keep her for the drama.

Goodbye Jennifer. It was fun while it lasted. To be such a pretty girl, she sure is an ugly crier. How does that even happen. Sob, hiccup, squeak, sniffsniff, snort, gargle, squeak, hiccup, snort...suck it up and cut it out!

Next week, Panama City, Panama. High rises. Net fishing...ish. Waterfalls. Secluded beaches. Tribal dancing. A ride in a long boat down a dirty river. And what’s this? Emily gets a kiss? Maybe she shapes up! Fun times in Puerto Rico.

Added drama. ABC would have us think there is an apparent tragedy for Casey. It doesn’t look good at all. But thanks to Reality Steve, a glimpse of hope. Google it. Feel free to give me your predictions in the comments, if you please.

Until next week, amigos. I’ll never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go. Since my goal each week is to supply an unflattering picture of Cruella de Vil, I leave you with this image...