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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The First One, Ben's Women

The day, the hour, the minute... the moment we’ve "BEN" waiting for! 7:00 p.m. sharp, Monday January 2, 2012! Enter Ben the rockstar Flajnik! Ok, I threw the rockstar part in of my own accord. Technically he’s not a rockstar, nor is that his nickname that I know of. However, in my world he IS a rockstar.


The new season of The Bachelor was the first thing I thought of when getting out of bed this morning. This...



I have printed off an official cheat sheet (thank you ABC)  to keep the girls straight. I have brushed up on some minor details of each bachelorette. I have blocked off two hours of my night for which I will not be available to anyone for any reason except during commercial breaks. I am there. Ready to roll. It’s go time. Let's do this!


A quick breakdown. We have 2 Ambers (both nurses), a Casey & a Kacie, a Lindzi & a Lyndsie, 2 Advertising Account Managers, 2 sales reps, 3 nurses (2 of them Ambers), 2 students, 2 dental professions, 2 beauty queens, a walking talking scandal waiting to happen, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oops, I meant to say a lady who looks eighty three. My bad. Anyhoo,  C'mon ABC, throw some diversity in the mix. Give us an astronaut, a chef, a professional athlete, a CEO, a judge & and throw in a UFC fighter for good measure just to keep the catty conniving girls on their toes! Stir the pot, people!


The show begins with a video montage of Ben's Bachelor past. His time with whiny, mousy, irritating Ashley. His rejection resulting in heartbreak and [justified] anger on the beach. The glory that is Ben...all revisited. My loathing for Hebert came screaming back to me. I was digging the background music though. David Gray’s This Year’s Love. Looked it up on iTunes and bought it. Go me.
The girls, in order of limo exit:
Rachel, 27, Fashion Sales Rep - Pretty red dress. Just a tad prettier than in her bio photo. Just a little. GRRREATTTT shoes! Jacked up teeth, didn’t get the memo about bangs - and nose rings for that matter - being out, and quite possibly was once a man. She made sure to throw in that her middle name is “Rose” with an implied Get it, Ben? Rose! As in, I WANT ONE!
Erika, 23, Law Student & current Miss Chicago - Well If I didn’t know it before, it certainly wouldn’t have taken me long to figure out we have a bonafide beauty queen on our hands. That stance she took upon limo exit...classic pageant pose! The canned responses she gave...straight from a Q&A jar. The robotic motions...totally stage-like. I have nothing against pageants (sortof), but there’s a time and a place to strike a pose with a pasted on smile. She proceeds to tell him he is “guilty of being sexy” just before she threw an air gun, a wink & a clicking noise from her cheek his way. In the midst of my gag reflex spasms, I thought to myself - yes, that just happened.
Amber B aka the “Bacon-ator” from Canada, 23, Labor/Delivery Nurse - I wasn’t crazy about her stringy hair, but she had on a gorgeous white dress with a splash of color and a cool rhinestone accented neckline. She didn’t make a strong first impression one way or the other. She is pretty though. In her Bio, she mentions loving the book Eat Pray Love. The movie was great too, so there’s a couple of brownie points. Also, she has a sense of humor, which I love about her!
Elyse, 24, Personal Trainer - My first impression was that she’s a little odd. Also, whoever made that dress apparently ran out of fabric just above the knee because that can’t be intentional! I can’t tell if she lives in a tanning bed or if she has some really great ethnic flavor going on. Either way, she’s exotically stunning, her hair is perfectly shiny jet black, and her skin is beautiful brown. And her bio says she’s positive and likes to laugh. YES!!!! Laughing is my favorite.
[Disclaimer: The following first impression was written BEFORE the show progressed]...Jenna, 27, Blogger - She’s a blogger. A girl after my own heart. I hate her two-tone hair, but she’s cute. Great dress! Seems sweet. But misquoted him. I’m guessing it sounded better in her head.
Courtney, 28, Model - She exits the limo with a “hey cutie pie” and a “come here often?”. Ok, I’m all about charming pickup lines on introduction night. I think it adds flavor to the situation. That said... “come here often” ????? Oh geez, I feel sick. On a more positive note, she was wearing some really hott sparkly peep toe heels. She’s very tall (and flat). Her intro package sealed her fate for me, though. She claimed other women are intimidated by her, she said wedding rings look amazing on her & she deserves 2 carats because she’s “worth it.” Aren’t we all, hussy?? In her bio, she says this - Love is my religion. I'm in love with love. All I want is to find the right guy & love him forever. - ok, last time I checked love wasn’t a religion. And being in love with love...well that just sounds obsessive. PS - What’s wrong with her upper lip? -- DON’T.LIKE.COURTNEY
Emily, 27, PhD student - I thought this girl was going to be a frontrunner for me. On paper, she’s quite a catch. Gorgeous, academically accomplished, beautiful picture, great hair, lovely smile, bright future. So what happened? A bottle of Germ-X and some mouth spray. That’s what happened! What the?!
Samantha aka Sammy Sash, 26, Advertising Account Manager - Another beauty queen...and one that had the audacity to wear her sash. To me, that just screams CHECK ME OUT. I’M A PAGEANT WINNER! And we care becausssseeee?? Cute girl, but obviously full of herself. And doesn’t have the answer to world peace either. So there.
Casey S, 26, Trading Clerk - First off, what was she thinking with that Morticia Adams dress? Good grief. Pretty much all she said was how are you, see you inside. Strange. In her bio, she talks about admiring her parents. I’m all about someone who loves family, but I don’t love this girl.
Amber T, 29, Critical Care Nurse - Other than the fact that a bobby pin factory exploded in her hair, she looked pretty. Great smile.  The dress was part table cloth part glamorous. She made a circle around the fountain to give him “love at 2nd sight”, she had a nice tan. Her opening package cracked me up. She shoots skeet, she can shoot a compound bow, she hunts wild game & she eats mountain oysters. Or as she called them, beef nuts. Bleck. Funny still. She’s much prettier in person than in her bio pic. I think I’ll like her. Seems fun.
Holly, 34, Drug Rep - Holy Kentucky Derby, girlfriend! Put that thing in a hat museum next to the Fascinator. This girl just LOOKS scary. She has crazy eyes and a weird mouth. She told Ben that Kentucky is known for two things - beautiful horses and fast women. Wait, did I get that backward?
Jamie, 25, RN - This gorgeous girl with a very flattering red dress  approached with no corny pickup lines. Only her stunning smile and pretty face. Her opening package spoke volumes. No dad. Addict Mom. Raised her siblings. Put herself through nursing school and now works in labor and delivery. Has obvious passion for her job and love for those newborns. She’s the bee’s knees, people!!!! I’m callin’ it right now - top 3!! Heart her!!
Shira, no age (what an idiot!) but I’m guessing somewhere around the 37 mark, anorexic “Actress” - Notice I put quotes around her profession. I’m thinking by “actress” she means she has made appearances in commercials for stool softener, Depends & Vagisil. Worst hairdo in Bachelor history. Knows everything about wine, and by everything I mean nothing. I’m guessing she’s a Boone’s Farm kind of girl. This wallflower bores me. By the way, what’s up with the weird sheer floor-length extension of mini dresses tonight? Not for me.
Blakely, 34, Glorified Hooker VIP Cocktail Waitress - Nice name. A smokin’ hot girl in a dreamsicle colored dress with feather extender earrings and tats on her forearm. This VIP room... is it more of a lapdance room, I’m guessing? I saw some pics of this girl before the show so my opinion may have already been skewed, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I really did. I just don’t have a good feeling about this one.
Sheryl the Granny - No words.
Brittney, 26, Medical Sales Rep/Grandaughter of Sheryl - Pretty enough girl, but who brings their granny to The Bachelor! Lame! And that dress. Unflattering as all get out.
Sidebar: Amber’s interview after Granny enters the room...priceless! “Next time - a sash. a hat. and a grandma [says with hand puppet motion]”...the laugh out loud moment of the night for me! I like her. She’s funny.
Nicki, 26, Dental Hygienist - G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S! Truly sweet. Beautiful teeth. Was married once, but we’ll assume he was a douche who didn’t treat this lovely girl as he should have. No marks against her for that one. She told him he was precious. I love me some Nicki already! Besides, dental hygienists rock - wink wink, S. And A & M girls rock - wink wink, E. Pardon my gratuitous shout-outs.
Dianna, 30, Non Profit Director - She couldn’t even utter a sentence. She found that dress at a bargain basement second-hand store. Looks a little, ummm, worn and dated. Wait. Maybe Molly Ringwald made it for her in her Ducky-free spare time in 1986. Her and her weird side pony just giggled and headed inside after she forgot what she was going to say. She loves Oprah.
Jennifer, 28, Accountant - She tried on 54 dresses before picking out the one that looks like a prom dress from 1992. Great choice, Jen (says sarcastically.) Her poor dull hair had some sad curls going on. Plus I really need her to get some sort of highlights or lowlights. This monochromatic shade of red isn’t working for me. She spewed a bunch of numbers. Snooze.
Lyndsie J, 29, Internet Entrepreneur - Is that career title code for Etsy seller? She has a monogrammed car. Who does that. I suppose a bad singing, messed up chignon wearing, collar popping, wrinkled/gathered dress wearing Brit with a manly bone structure. She definitely takes an occasional dip in the testosterone pool in between her foreign language lessons and poems about her butt chin dimple.
Anna, 25, Student - Much prettier than in her pic. Best earrings of the night. Amazing gray gown. She walks on by Ben without more than a hi, I’m assuming, to throw a teaser his way. Bet she’s the first one he talks to on the inside. Hope this plan works.
Monica, 33, Dental Consultant - She steps out of the limo and barfs up some profanity before making her way to Ben. Classy! Baaaaaddddd purple dress. Tells him she misses her dog “more than anything.” Hmmmm. Wonder if she read that Ben loves his dog. Now there’s  a tough one to figure out. She seems tipsy already. Plus her bio seems to revolve around alcohol. This drunken drag queen has got to go.
Jaclyn, 27, Advertising Account Manager - Oh for the love of stilettos, this girl was wearing Louboutins! Yes ma’am! She told him he looked dapper. Good word, Jackie. But that’s about as far as the compliments go for me. She’s quite difficult to look at for whatever reason. She’s a little... errr... ummm... stretched out? Her bio responses seem to be Bachelor-driven (i.e. meant for Ben to read) and very unoriginal. I don’t know, she just isn’t it for me.
Shawn, 28, Financial Advisor - Love her bright green dress. Very striking. I’m not sure the slug on the arm was the best idea. This girl with such pretty teeth has the cutest little 5 year old son, Gavin. I think I’m going to like her.
Kacie B, 24, Administrative Assistant - Good Ole Rocky Top Tennessee gave us this little sweetheart. What an adorable little southern girl with a charming personality. She called him Benjamin. Awww. Her story about her grandparents’ notes to each other...heart warming! This girl has a soft sentimental side. Best hair. Best dress. Best smile. Best calves. Best girl! I see her in the...waitttt forrrr itttt........ finals. There, I said it. The finals.
Lindzi C, 27, Business Development Manager - Most creative entrance ever. She looked ever so sweet in her riding boots and cute little hat on her stately beautiful beast of a horse. Bless her heart, the Dumpsville text is something nobody should ever receive. Kudos for moving on. Kudos for the horse entrance. Ben said they saved the best for last. Well she’s definitely one of the best! PS - Did anyone else notice the horse poo on the ground before the scene ended? Haha
The cocktail party ensues. The claws come out immediately, which I expected from this group.
Blakely disses on Lindzi for the horse thing. Ahhhhhhh helllllllnahhhhhhh. Leave my girl alone, skank. Then Courtney takes a shot too. Get some eye liner, Bia. Those haters just slipped further down my totem pole. The more I think about this Granny situation, the more it irritates me. How is it fair for Brittney to get to bring a relative when nobody else got to bring anyone? And it’s not like Granny Sheryl is some charmingly funny old lady who added spice to the night. She was a boring, Worthington wearing, doting, borderline decrepit, apple pie making grandma with nothing to contribute to the show. I cry party foul. Nicki is already in love with him (and I’m in love with her), plus they had a great one-on-one. Rachel quit her job for the show. I’m not impressed with someone willing to quit a job they’ve had for 5 years just to pursue a reality TV bachelor, with only a 1 in 25 chance to snag him - and most likely only temporarily. Work ethic? Non-existent. Lindzi engaged him in some wine talk and impressed him with her wine stomping story. Aww, SOO Lucy & Ethel. Brittney and G’ma sat down for an awkward interrogation chat with Ben, which clearly made him feel uncomfortable and on the spot. Then he escorted her out as she walked on her foot, unassisted. Were the crutches a prop? Was this lady for real? Have we been punked? Nonetheless, I believe the plan backfired. What an uncomfortable situation. Blakeley showed off her forearm tats. The key to her heart. Ya think we could hook her up with our boy Casey because he could definitely guard and protect her heart! Elyse cracked me up when she made Benny-boo do pushups. She is climbing the totem pole. Kacie did what is almost unheard of in these situations....she complimented the other girls. Cha-ching. Plus she taught a line dance. Double cha-ching. Oh how I love that Volunteer. Amber T was forced to watch Dianna practiced her blindfolding techniques in order to prepare to move on to chloroform trial runs next week. And then, the most awkward moment of the night. Emily and her white girl rapping. Ohh Emm Gee, will someone please tell her she is sooooo NOT gangsta? I’m so disappointed in the girl I thought was going to be another Emily...Brad’s sweet Em, that is. Instead, this Emily is just a cheap knock-off. Ohhh Courtney. I’ve made it clear I’m not into this girl, but let me add insult to injury. Seriously, what’s wrong with her upper lip?? Why doesn’t she put some eye liner on those Betty Boop eyes? Why is she so fake? Is she hopped up on pills? The topper - she showed off her misguided arrogance again by proclaiming that the other girls are annoying and that she is better than them. Really, Courtney? Really? Are you THAT narcissistic? Talk about being a wolf in sheep’s clothing! There’s one book with a deceiving cover!
Moving on. Jenna - completely tanked by now - asks, “Dooyouu hava feeling do yyyou huv fullins for bun?” Crazy Monica deciphers the slurred words and admits she does not have feelings for Ben because she only knows 4 things about him. She brags about feeling nothing. She feels nothing, but doesn’t want to go home. Jenna encourages her to leave if she doesn’t want to be there. Monica goes on the defense and says she’s not going anywhere. Then she lets everyone know that she is REAL and that she doesn’t give a [insert expletive here] about them, just before we get our first exposure to her kackle. I didn’t know a laugh could be so annoying. She sounded like one of the Wayans’ characters in White Chicks. She and Blakely convene on the patio couch for some girly love, while the others look on in disbelief...or so the editors want to make us think. We hear Monica whisper, “nobody knows but us”...yeah and 8 million viewers. These 2 channel their inner mean girl and sit by the fireplace to bag on others while Jenna punishes the other girls with her ranting about nonsense. Then Rachel tries to play peacemaker between Jenna and Monica. Well if that wasn’t an awkward conversation! Talk about an appropriate title for her blog - over analyzer for sure! I just feel like you don’t you like me? I don’t know you. I know but like you act like you don’t like me. I don’t know you. I know you don’t. I don’t get it. Don’t make fun of me...yada yada yada kackle yada. Why am I here? Wanna share feminine hygiene products? Monica runs off to find the shooter girl (for a number of reasons) and to talk about hitting people in the face. Jenna corners sweet Kacie and takes advantage of her kindness, then makes a fool of herself when Ben joins them on the sofa. After a couple of drunken and insulting comments to Ben, and the oh-so-obvious attempts at appearing sober, Jenna goes to cry in the bathroom and count on her fingers how many appletinis she’s had. How do you spell Jenna? P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C. How do you spell Monica? H-A-T-E-F-U-L-B....
Obviously they were both drunk. I suspect they are just as unpleasant when sober, though.
First impression rose time. I called it before he ever even picked it up! Yay Lindzi. You go girl.
Time for the rose ceremony. Jenna is still boohooing in the bathroom as Chris tings his glass. The girls huddle in the rose room in preparation for what is to come. Jenna finally joins them... not receiving a warm reception.
Other rose recipients (my most favorite to least favorite):
Kacie B - <3. Enough said.
Jamie - Awesome!
Nicki - He loves her hugs. Aww.
Elyse - Drop and give me 20.
Shawn - If ever a picture didn’t do a girl justice!

****This is where my enthusiasm ends. Now on to the final roses. For me, it’s a pretty even playing field until you get to the last 4....my most hated!****

Casey S - I’m ok with this, but she didn’t get much face time.
Rachel - Uhhhh whatever, Twilight.
Emily - Yo yo yo, homie.
Jaclyn - I’m ok with it as long as she keeps rockin’ the Loubs.
Brittney - He just wants some of Granny’s apple pie.
Erika - Turn. Pose. Work it. Cheek cheek.
Jennifer - Eww.
Sammy Sash - Grab that rose. Snatch that rose.
Courtney - Pill popping arrogant kookoo.
Blakeley - Purely physical reasons I’m sure.
Jenna - O - M- G!!!!
Monica - ABC, I really appreciate you forcing Ben to keep these last two losers just for ratings. I normally can appreciate a good cat fight situation, but in this case - not so much.
Buh-Byes
Anna - I guess her teasing tactic backfired. Sad face.
Dianna - Whew. Ben barely escapes The Bachelor’s first kidnapping scenario. She’s off to watch OWN.
Amber B - Shoot. She was growing on me fast. No rose? What’s that all aboot? What did she ever do to you, eh?
Our resident Brit, Lyndsie - She now feels like a loser and a failure. Currently she is looking for some self-esteem builders.
Amber T - Liked her, but anyone weak enough to cry in an exit interview on night one is too frail for this show.
Holly and Shira - Neither even scored an exit interview. Fine by me! Good riddance, ladies.
So I have a clear top 4. Without a shadow of a doubt, as of now I love Kacie, Jamie, Nicki and Lindzi. Judging by the previews, the fun begins next week. Mark my words, Blakely is going to be trouble. The 2 cat fighters will go soon and Blakely will take center stage as crazy girl. Until next week, loyal readers.


Addition to post: Courtney will most likely give Blakeley a run for her money in the crazy girl department. Pretty sure she's the one skinny dipping in the surf. Gahhhhhh

2 comments:

  1. Mrs.King, you are hysterical. I will definitely be following for more posts. Chad kept asking what I was laughing at and I don't even watch the Bachelor lol. Thanks for the shout-out! Nikki has my vote!

    ~E

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  2. So we are soooooo on the same page this year! My favs are kacie, Jamie and nikki!! And I agree with all the negative ones too Courtney makes me want to choke someone! And jenna and Monica are ridiculous! The season previews are drama drama drama how boot ben skinny dipping?! That better not be with Courtney! But notice in that scene he had on some of ed's swimming trunks! Ha fun filled season to come plus I.get to continue to look at ben!

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